Date: got 2 days left :(
Time: one fifteen in the morning.
Location: Bedroom.
Sounds: heavy breathing of sisters who are fast asleep in their beds behind me, and the tap tap of my keys echoing throughout the entire house...there goes the 's' and the 'g' and the 'o' and the 'm'...put 'em together and they would spell 'sgom', which would make no sense which doesn't matter any way coz it's besides the point and i've gone off on one... all u need to know is that i'm making too much noise.
Feelings: suspended in limbo.
Thoughts: What's the point of trying so hard at living if we're all gonna die any way?
Fears: Wha?...AAAH!..DAMN! I SCARED THE SH#* OUTA MYSELF! DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!
Desires: errr, non...oh wait!..Drown my thoughts in something stupid...like manga. Why manga?

1. 'coz retail therapy in terms of clothes and shoes and pretty things don't work with me any more...
2. as for yumm yumms, i think i've gone off my central source of sustinance, namely ice cream...
3. smoking, on the other hand, is a disgusting habbit, and the blasted thing just don't seem to grow on me...
4. and last but not least; I used to be a vaguely intellectual and well read individual once upon a time, but my literature degree killed that...so now, not only do i not have the time to read for pleasure thanx to course work stress, but even emails more than a paragraph long piss me off. so next time u wana mail or text me, bear in mind that my attention span has diminished, and i can just about only do speech bubbles now. thank you.

...so, manga will be just fine thanx, and if you give me some anime to boot, i'll love u even more for it.
God al-mighty...will someone please give me some direction... I've lost my bearings, and my hope and resolve and faith and enthusiasim. Is this all? They lied to us when we were kids didn't they? They made us believe there was something more to this.
And do u know whats worse than disillusionment? ..Seeing a poor blind old man, sitting outside a mosque, selling little scraps of homemade knitware in the freezig cold, to cling to, with the last of his strength, what i have come to despise so much. it makes u think; I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING KNIT, I'M SO FUCKING USELESS, AND I GOT THE FUCKING NERVE TO FUCKING COMPLAIN!

ELEST, YOU'RE A USELSESS, MISERABLE LITTLE SHIT, JUST DIE AND DO EVERYONE A FAVOUR!

All around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces.
Bright and early for their daily races, going nowhere, going nowhere.
Their tears are filling up their glasses, no expression, no expression.
Hide my head I wan'to drown my sorrow, no tomorrow, no tomorrow.

And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take,
When people run in circles, it's a very, very...mad world.

-Gary Jules-

boo

Aaah, having access to broadband internet 24/7 in the comfort of ones home is surely bliss :)
Hello world, this is Elest blogging live from Ankaray. Local time here is 20:20, and the weather is FREE-EEE-EEE-ZEEENG.
Untill last night I was basking in the joy of being stranded in a big house out in the suburbs of no specific country at all, with my sisters, and we were having so much fun...but thenthe reletives came over to say 'Hi Elest!', and the penny dropped. I am in Turkey.
How do I know I am in Turkey? Let me count the ways:

1. Great aunt gave me an earfull about washing the dishes and putting them face down on the counters where 'the cats get up on, don't u know?' I told her they don't get up on the counters, Dibish has too much dignity to stoop so low, and she said oh yes they do, they do it in the night when everyones sleeping. Dibish of course, who was within earshot of our little arguement, was terribly vexed at the prospect of beeing accused of such a heanous crime.
2. After dinner Grandma told me if I don't stop wearing Hijab I will never get a job. To which I replied curtly; who says I wanna work for stupid Turks any way, me gonna go Japy land, at which point I was subjected to a list of reasons why I should not go Japan, reason number one being the earthquakes.
3. Our stupid neighbours have put up Christams trees on their front porches.
4. ...sodd this, it's bringing me down...I wanna talk of the good things that have happened...

...why? because I am vaguely happy, being here with my sisters. Oh and I met the new addition to our family, the squeeky Siamese whose name is supposed to be Mocha but she don't know it yet...so I have been trying to educate her :) ...and what else happened thats nice..ummm...I've been eating well...aaand haven't been doing any work- which isn't nice actually...errr, oh yeah, I've been subjected to Turkish music, and there is this one song which rocks. it's called Yikiliyo, by Ayca, so download it, and if you can't I'll try to email it to who ever is interrested, AND U WILL BE INTERRESTED COZ IT ROCKS, AND I'M VERY PARTICULAR WHEN IT COPMES TO APPRECIATING TURKISH MUSIC SO TRUST ME!

OK I must go now coz Saimecan wants to use the net. I will blogg again later. Sayonara.

If I don't quit going to Forbidden Plannet so often, not only will I run out of funds, but the people who work there will start turning into family. I think the till guy with the red highlights is concerned about me.

I'm sitting here trying to collect my thoughts, though I shouldn't be, I should be in a lecture...and then a seminar. Instead, I surf the net for some info on James Bond Goldfinger...you know apparently there is this urban legend about the film, claiming that the actress who played Jill Masterton died after beig painted in gold to shoot that death scene, coz back then people actually believed that if your skin couldn't breathe you'd die. HA HA HA HA! ...and with that random bit of info asside, why doesn't Elest tell us why she is sitting here reading fan trivia on a stupid Bond film, when she should be in her Lectures/seminars?
Like I said, I'm trying to collect my thoughts...I need to decide what to do, after having woken up this morning and realised to my utter dissapointment that I'm not dead, the world hasn't ended, and I haven't mercifully lost my sanity. What I have lost ofcourse, and what I have to deal with, is a lot more precious. So precious the thought of a room with soft walls is increadibly comforting.
It's scary how animal, how beast, how utterly inhuman the wail of devastation sounds. It's scary when u realise there is no saftey net, no help, no invisible spider web string attached to save you from falling. and it's even more horendous when, bleary eyed, you have to get up again and face the world with all the great new discoveries you've made of yourself.
I've lost two battles in one night. And I still am.

I don't want to be alone any more.

Time: 20:00.
Location: Uncle's house.
Sounds: A lot of Cypriots talking loudly about...hang on...(listens)...their disputing the ownership of an object unknown to me because I am in another room...yes, Cypriots naturally speak very loud, even when they are not arguing or drunk.
Feeling: Vague discomfort after a very unnerving meal.
Why? Can someone tell me why (??) is it that my non-Muslim friends who don't know jack about Islam, readily respect the fact that I do not consume some things, and yet my extended family have to start some hoo-haa over the fact that I won't eat the meat I am served because, not only did I already have some qualms about its halal-ness but finding out that it was cooked marrinating in red wine, simply tipped the domino. Which I might add, I find out after it's put in my plate, because although I was made to believe it was bought from Turks (hence qualifying as halal, duh!), after having inquired, apparently it didn't occur to them at all that the red wine would bother me.
So I've hid myself away in my uncles office, to flee, if only momentarily, fromg having to endure the discomfort of aloofly sitting with them, and representing, with every aspect of my out-of-place presence, everything they have rejected with every aspect of their living.
Yeah, I think I would have perferred spending Eid alone in my flat, as tragic as that senario would have been, I tink it beats this.
So what am I preoccupying myself with? That new Chinese film- 'House of Flying Daggers' (yeah I KNOW it's got a stupid name OKAY! Sheesh, It's Chinese for God's sake, give it a break) thats coming out this Christmas...OH MY GOD I JUST WATCHED THE TRAILER AND IT LOOKS SO GOOD! And why, I hear u ask am I especially excited about this Chinky film, Post-CrouchingTigerDissapointment, and even when I didn't give a crap when Hero came out?...One word (nah actually, make that two): Takeshi Kaneshiro! (wild cheering) Yes, my Saimecanii, I can see u grinning with glee and squeeling with excitment even from London, and the rest of the world heard u.
And now I shall change the subject...I can hear my cousin asking his sis where I am...must keep quiet...man that kid's voice is breaking big time, soon I gotta start covering my hair in front of him..HAA! IMAGINE THE HOO-HAA THEN! HA HA HA HAA HAAaaa... how pathetic. huh? whats that I hear...kids are watching Chicago..hang on, I've never actually seen that film, but how suitable is it for children? ah, screw that, last time I had to endure watching Friends with them, and Rachel was giving birth and everything, of course, knowing my luck Koray (male cousin, breaking voice) asks me:'Sevim Abla, what does dilate mean?' FOR GOD'S SAKE, EVEN I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT BLOODY MEANT UNTILL I WAS SUBJECTED TO THAT BLASTED EPISODE, AND I HAVE THIS KID ASK ME!
Ok, I'm going now...feeling queasy...me no likey all this birth talk (goes paler, if thats possible).
Me gonna see that trailer again now :)
Bye Bye.

Good afternoon.
I am excited. Why? coz There is this realy cool anime coming out soon, just watched the trailer! but the crap thing is, it's only just hitting cinemas in Japan...which means it'll be a while coming to dis dumb beee-hind conuntry. See what I occupy myself with when George Bush is getting elected in the U.S again and the world is going to the dogs.
Shakila has gone to Thailand, which gives me a bigger reason to hate her.... I am writing in Yellow today, coz I likes it...
...And what else is new? Nothing really.
Oh, heres somthing rather interresting, Saturday night I was with grandparents in front of the TV watching...(drum roll please) A Turkish Soap! and guess what happened. I observed, to my utter amazement, that one of the guys in it, was cute. and I mean really cute. like, cute like Turks aren't supposed to be that cute, cute. And it has been botherring me ever since. Why was this guy cute? Was he cute coz my high and mighty pickiness in men is slowly dwindling and diminishing. Can't be. So what? WHYYYYY? WHYYYY WAS HE CUTE DAMNIT!? WHYYY!?
Any way, the name of the soap- and I'm only drawing attention to this coz I like translating Turkish things into English when I know they is gonna sound stupid- was 'Kinali Kar' which means...(drum roll again pleez) 'Snow with Henna on it!' -Tehe he he he heee! oh I crack myself up..(whipes tear from eye) Any way, where were we? Yes thats right, another observation about Turkey, and this one is curtesy of Jarrad, who was down there a week ago:
A while back, a Turkish food company by the name of Ulker, decided to launch a new soft drink by the name of Cola Turka. And when u do something as crazy as that, in a country which is so fascistly nationalistic it aint even funny any more, u know the great mass market giant, is gonna go down. Ladies and Gentleman, Cola Turka beat Cocacola in the Turkish mass market. Thankyou.

How many more seminars can I tollerate with Abu talking about homo-erotisim and the male organ? hmmm, lets make a bet and see. I bet anyone who's up for it a white-grapefruit that the next time Abu says the 'P' word, the scenario in Gordon's seminar will look like this:

Elest sits up in the seat she was languidly reclining in, only moments ago, locates the nearest copy of THE COMPLETE NORTON SHAKESPEARE, and to the horror of Mr. German-cum-South African-LookHowISitWithMyLegsSo-WIDE-Apart, and the utter glee of every girl in the class, hurrls the gigantic volume across the room at the offending party in question. Consequently ruffling Mr. Germans ordinarily very preened gay feathers, who gayly prances across the room, picks up his Shakespeare with exagerated irritation and prances back to seat next to a scrutinising Carla. At which point Misba suppresses an amused smile to herself, and writes notes to her friend who doesn't want to be convinced that Mr. German- though we do not know WHAT he is- is most definately NOT STRAIGHT. Sarah giggles and stares at the lip-piercing across the room, the owner of which looks like a frightened bunny in car headlights. Gordon makes a joke and laughs at it himself. The seminar resumes as though no one was lying unconcious upon the floor.

Well hello hello hello...tee he he he. I'm high right now, only coz an hour ago i was at the complete other end of the psicho scale: very very low. And really, now that i think of it i have nothing to write, so i wont write much coz da stupid brit.lit and film lecture is starting in...he he, half an hour. ok dats no excuse, my excuse is Sarah who is sitting next to me getting bored coz unlike me she have a life and is not terribly thrilled by bloggs and what not. speaking of whom, I have infected Sarah with the Haido craze. MUWA HA HA HA HA! yes, she like him too now :) which don't mean nothing really, coz she like weirdos too, so we're back to square one.
Any way, so sorry I didn't updat last Friday as I should have. I'm doing so now, which also means new CLICK ME pic! yes this weeks CLICK ME pic is entitled 'what is Haido thinking' so please feel free to voice ur suggestions. Which also brings us to last weeks CLICK ME pic- me thinks the safest bet is to say that: Haido has paused in mid cartwheel, having been obstructed by the cupboard and is now trying to see how much ballet his trousers can take without splitting. AND THEY ARE NOT PVC, THEI'RE LEATHER!
Which reminds me. Last saturday Elest found out to her utter horror that a certain someone *cough* Joshua *cough* *cough* is seriously not worth having a stupid quarter-life-crisis-crush on.
Man. dis morning on the bus I saw this buddhist guy walking down the street in his robes like nothing and no one matterred to him, and i thought in my mind; God, you know better than me what it is I'm yearning for, and I'm so lost in not knowing anything. Guide me somewhere, please.

Right with the suicidal stuff asside -and I know I wrote that wrong, so BITE ME! - would like to draw attention to the fact that I have a new pic in my CLICK ME section entitled 'WHAT IS HAIDO DOING?' yes...you heard that right 'WHAT IS HAIDO DOING?'...need I repeat it again to be an annoying game show host person? 'WHAT IS HAIDO DOING?' he he he...ehem, well the purpose of this new pick -and yeeeeees, there is a purpose- is that it shall be the first in my launch of a new THANG on my blog! I is calling it a THANG coz i is not knowing what else to call it...well actually, perhaps we can call it 'A BIZZARE TOPIC OF DISCUSSION FOR THE COMMUNAL RANT BOARD' coz the communal rant board has been pitiful lately and we need some bizzare-ness...and how does it work? Why I thought u'd never ask, I'll tell u: Every week I post a new pic of Haido doing something unintelligible and everyone makes a suggestion as to what it could possibly be, in the communal rant board...then we all have a big arguement over what could be the closest guess ...and perhaps these beneficial discussions will eventually enable us to grasp the meaning and wisdom in the ways of the Haido, and we, my good friends, may one day see the light!
Ok there is this annoying middle-aged looking asian guy using the printer across me and he's stickin his thumb in his jeans pocket, and hes running his fingers through his hair and trying to catch my eye, but I am ignoring him and he is PISSING ME OFF so I will go now.
Sayonara.

• Maroon 5- she will beloved is playing ceaslessly in my head...and I haven't listened to it. havent listened to music since Ramadan started...of course, except those u can't help hearing like in shops and stuff.
• Eyes are sore, a general feeling of ickyness in the pitt of my stomach, and serious fatigue; I think all of this has to do with the fact that I slept on a sofa for an hour and a half, after 6 in the morning and woke up at 8 to make it to 10:00 seminar.
• So no, my appearance is not very pretty today: no makeup, yesterdays clothes, black circles under eyes...don't think i want to run into anyone cute in uni...actually, scrap that, i don't give a crap, if i did i wouldn't have come in like this in the first place. Screw cute guys.
• Spiritual state is pitiful, so much so that Tas resents and condems some of the stuff I am doing in Ramadan, which don't help, but I thank you tas for your honesty. I hate myself.
• and picking up on that vital point...I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF
• If u think thats scary, then u will be further thrilled to know that non of the above was coppied and pasted, i wrote them out individually...and i can go on, but i won't
• in fact, i should probably stop writing bloggs one of these days, coz the reality of it being read by other people just doesn't register sometimes, and at this rate I'm gonna end up scaring all my friends off with the amount of crap i'm spewing out from the depths of me.
• And i think...I think I need to start making myself believe that there is good in this world still...that there is good in people.
• But post-Richard the III leacture/seminar ponderring, in regards to villains, has conjured up this question: Is it not the villains resignation to being bad which drives him so far in commiting heinous crimes? And isn't it the surety of being iredemably bad which makes him resigned to being so? Isn't it the fact that he can find no good in himself which prevents him from believing that there might be good those that he hurts or commits injustices against so easily, because they have no value, no importance as far as he is concerned? ...Because as far as he's concerned all men are just foul?
• And so the question is: how do you begin to have faith in people when you have no faith in yourself?

If you are increadibly observant like me (Hah!) you probably would have noticed 3 things today. Firstly, that I've added my beautiful Faaria to my contacts list. Secondly, that it is cold and riany outside. and Thirdly, that my click click section now bears the link to Ororon's pic under a new title. Yes, Ororon is dead. He died at the end of the final volume of the Manga. First they pushed him to his limits although he was already weak and wounded, then a big stupid giant boy working for his brother Oscar crushed him. then when he was still standing they tore out his gutts. And still, in his last minute he used his final ounce of strength to conjur up a dragon from the depths of hell, and do away with his enemy..."Oscar we have made too many mistakes now!"
:( never under estimate the power a comic book can have on someone who is increadibly bored.

Ehem...So whats new? Nothing. Nothing's new. I've got some smoked salmon at home, and the thought of it makes me happy :) other than that errr...well Presently I am reading 'The Dragon Can't Dance' by Earl Lovelace and it is a seriously good book. So for those interrested in postcolonial black culture in the slums of trinidad, (and as boring as I've made that sound, you'd be surprised) I urge u to get your hands on a copy of this book. Beautifully written and so vivid, and vibrant and colourfull and culturally sturated, you can almost taste it. Yeah you know I'm hungry, and you knw I been reading this book for hours on end all night and all morning yesterday and today, so that I is not sound upstairs.
With that asside, and on the subject of tasting and hunger (not that I'm hungry really, just badly craving a Ben and Jerry's Milk Shake), so far Ramadan is...well lonely. its especially lonely when i wake up for Sahoor and there aint no one to laugh with at stupid not-funny-things. and no one to squeal with over the bathroom sink, pushing eachother to spit toothpaste foam into the basin. then no one to have water fights with, when somebody getts splattered with toothpaste, or gets wet and gets hungry (damn that word keeps rearing its ugly head) for vengence.
No. Sahoor is quite, and lonely.
And these past few days I've realised how much talking I no longer do.
I miss you guys. I miss you so much. for days after you left I kept feeling like the only 3 people in the world who accept me whole heartedly, in spite of all my flaws and short comings, in spite of the big mess that I am, who accepted me for who and what I am; a girl-boy-woman hybrid clinging to the pitiful excuse of a human being- those people have gone.
I've lost them, and I feel so lost now. For the first time i realise how big the world is and how small I am and how small and insignificant every single person is, and how alone we are, all of us, and I wonder about hope and dreams and expectation. who are we, in our endless wanting? What use is any of it?
Yet the strangest thing is, this sad kind of loneliness is starting to become comfortable, and I don't know if I want to be found.

What words do you choose first, when everything wants to come out at once?
What words do you say when there is so much and not much at all to be said?
I had wished that I could have said something. Anything. I'd wished I could have given you something from me. But, in a world which has desecrated passion with its obsession with sex. In a world which has killed love, with its mass-produced love-songs. Which has killed beauty with its vicious aestheticism and happiness with its hedonist greed. In a world which has destroyed all traces of human compassion within its humans. Which has given me suspicion, cynicism and scepticism, and with these sceptres of its tyranny, taught me to live in the name of its logical ideologies and civilised ethics. Its reasons and duties based on laws. Laws...and fear, they coerce me with, like an animal. So that I have no faith in the power of my own human will, and in the guidance of a faith which calls to my nature.
In a world, which has commercialised sentiment and feeling, which has left no word untainted in its travesty of a vocabulary, what words could I have used to express myself? How could I have said anything at all, without fearing I would sound hollow and untruthful.
Right now, I am afraid. I am alone. And I am gripped by the enormity of knowing I know absolutely nothing.
Sitting with you, during those last hours, holding your hand and watching as you walked away, I felt something which does not belong to me. In spite of all the certainty the reason and the logical convictions which feed a stone composure in the depths of me, I was possessed for those moments and it made me weak.
Now I am filled only with the knowledge of all my inadequacies and shortcomings. Now I am empty and at a loss for what to feel, think or do. To me -the me I have learned to hate yet endure with the wave of disillusionment which has long since hit these shores- you are nothing. But this power, this spark which maintains my existence, ached when you left. It ached to be torn away from its likeness within you...and I was frightened by the presence of something there, which I didn’t know existed. It is gone again now, to some place where I have no access to it at will, to the one whom it belongs to. But I am glad I said nothing. That I gave you nothing hollow, no commercialised expression of sentiment, from the fake, empty self I've become, to better integrate into this cold world. I am glad I was silent and stupid, and that you were silent, and that we didn't presume to define what was not, and can never be, ours.

FIRST WEEK OF UNI and...
the 'it's good to be back' feeling is slowly starting to wear off to be replaced by a 'crap, this is my 3rd year...calm down...calm down...breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out' feeling.

Elizabethan Shakespear: is comfortingly familiar and GORDON ROCKS!
Narrating the Nation: seems like something i will appreciate, though I can't say I've taken to the lecturer much...hmmm.
Brit. Lit. and Film: Sucks. the whole bloody 1 hour seminar went straight over my head, and the only detail which seems to have stayed with me is some stupid statement some girl (who is dangerously verging on the border between skinny and anorexic) made about the difference between British film and English film being Hugh Grant...what??? And as if that aint bad enough, it looks like all my lecture and seminar notes for this course are gonna be a jibberish jumble of inconclusive half-sentences, because Clare Brant keeps trailing into herself when she's talking. So basically something she's saying would look a bit like this... Followed by a smile, to herself. No, no full stop.

Other than that, so far its same ol same ol:
~Odd silences with people I am ACQUAINTED not FRIENDS with;
~Enthusiastic Harry is being annoying again;
~Man I don't know anyone in this seminar;
~Maybe if I keep my mouth shut and look bored they won't know I don't know jack;
~Enthusiastic Harry is looking increadibly smug about having made his stupid comment;
~Ah, everyone's laughing, maybe that was a joke. quick must put on vaguely amused smile;
~Everyone except me is organised and is reading all the texts;
~Will someone shut enthusiastic Harry up please;
~DAMN FIRE DRILL!;
~Doodle. Doodle. Doo...ooh look, Masba's drawn a funny picture on her pad;
~Crap Joshua!
~God, it was a mercy to have had forgotten how disgusting the guys on the other side of the screen in the prayer room sound....augh; ...and so forth :)

I might add that there has been an increse in 'crap Joshua' s lately coz The guy is absolutely everywhere in my face. Not only is he in 2 of my lectures already, but as if that aint enough I came out of stupid Brit. Lit. and film today, with a big scowl on my face, truding to the prayer room in the height of my misery, and who do I come face to face with on turning the corner in the second basement? Yes. Him. And I thought I was gonna jump out of my new rocks. Now you tell me how the hell I'm supposed to get over my stupid crush? HA? HA?!

Ehem. I Walked all the way to and back from Senet house lib. today, which I'm rather proud of, and I have Misba to thank for that. hmmm, speaking of which, where is Misba I wonder?
Ah! I got a tx from her. She says she's is in the Room of prayer :)

Hello, and welcome back to another episode of, Waste Your Time, I'm your host, El-e-freRA(H) like the Rah in RahXephon or the Ra as in the ancient Egyptian God, who was murdured in his old age by his power crazed grandaughter, Isis the Goddess of Magic, and fashioner of those nasty litle slithery things we call snakes today. What is the relevance of all this Mythology crap? There is non whatsoever-rer-rer. Am I high? Indeed I am, I'm high on Lychee drink.
In anycase, getting back to our programe, today I would like to declare that there is nothing more shit and pointless than TV. and thats all I have to say. any requests for further elaboration, my be forwarded on to me at my email address.
My second decleration of the day is thus:
Revenge of the fallen angel was promised to be taken out on man. His battle-grounds, moved to the souls of man kind.
Revenge of the fallen angel, however, is not as glamorous as they've been making out since the beggining of the world.
Satan is not as hopelessly romantic as us, it seems...instead, I think he's just increadibly efficient.
No outright revolts against hevean, Milton style. oh no. In fact, I imagine Satan had a good laugh when he read that piece of idealistic 'WHAT-DA HELL?', clinging to the pitiful excuse of an epic poem. and will someone tell me what the point of 'Paradise regained' was? didn't Milton know that sequals have been out of fashion since Haloween?
any way, gettng back to Satan... yes, Satan, who, mind you, is boring as hell, has been quite the man of leasure for some few hundred years. I say this, because I've made an observation about how he works. Like I said, he's terribly efficient, and the best was to destroy human potential, without breaking out in a sweat is simply, to put the human race to sleep.
Yep. The world is infested with Zombies. We are all sleeping so deeply, we might as well be dead. We are living like ants, in a little ant city, under ground. crawling through its tunnels day and night. burrowing deeper and deeper...living by the rules and laws of this brittle structure, because we are all afraid that if we don't, it'll all crumble and colapse over our heads.
And I ask you now? Would that be such a bad thing? Maybe when everything is sweapt away, we'll realise, with no dirt city over our heads; damn the world above ground is huge.
And as for my point...there must be a point after all of this right? well...err..I don't know if I can make it without sounding like an evangelist.. :( but u know what, screw that, Tim Winter says: 'what came first, Insufferable preaching, or its subject matter?'
And so, I say: Wake up neo!
I'm launching a 'beat the system' movement. It's called 'Operation-open-your-eyes.'
...who's with me?

Found a £10 note in Capitain Corellis Mandolin- except, its got Charles Dickens on it...musta put it there a loooong time ago.

Tasks of the day:

The former office idiot, soon to be 3rd year KCL student who shall point and snigger at all the freshies at uni, in aproximately 2 weeks time when term starts (whoopee!), has today:
1) begged her local area housing officer to not kick her out of her new flat for not paying a single instalment of rent since she moved in;
2) sent the tax office an "F you, aint paying your damn taxes!" reply in the form of a letter which states that I am in full time education;
3) and gone down to Japan center to put and add for private English tuition for dem little Nihonjins who are willing to pay an unqualified teacher-cum-student to teach them bad words, and increadibly intellegent insults (Wilde style) in English :)
And while I was doing that, guess what I stubled upon at HMV Picadilly Cricus..THE LAST VOLUME OF FRUITS BASKET! I didn't even know it would have reached shops!

A glorious day for the sad and peniless anime fan.

Day: The day before a blasted hena party I so don't want to go to, but I so should, coz it would be so rude if i didn't. (Yes. I dislike weddings and hena partys, and hen nights, and other such silly little excuses, stupid mortals invent in order to get together an rejoice over practically nothing at all...Bible style.)
Time: 13:43 (no snide remarks this time.)
Location: Uni. Strand building. Lower Basement 1.

In a while I have to go talk to DOT '.' -humanities department secretary- about dropping stupid Australian lit. which I didn't even ask for, but which some stupid course assigning dude put on my 3rd year course list, coz he thought it would be increadibly funny.

And then I have to trek across wterloo bridge, to the waterloo campus where I must collect a letter which I am to use as proof showing that I'm a student in full time education, and therefore, not liable to pay tax. It is times like this that I hate this country. You know, just coz its the 21st century don't mean we no longer have any use for a Robbin Hood. And it was precisely this thought, while I sat in the 91 bus this morning, funming at the tax bill sent to me, which lead me to start fantasizing about a 21st century Robbin Hood. So I've decided to develope a prototype.

right, and dat concludes it...
I am on pott.

DAY: Wednesday- the second day my dad decided to ditch me for some busness he had to attend to after flying half way across the world from Dubai with the intention to spend 'quality time with his kids' among other things.
TIME: 19:01 - and it was so difficult for me to type that coz the damn 9 key on this key board is broken...which means no brakets either!
LOCATION: Internet Cafe

So what did I do after dad ditched me? Pshaw! I went to Camden Town ofcourse, and spent money which doesn't belong to me! Right now I have Saimecan here with me and she is looking increadibly bored, so I will let her write something.
SAIMECAN:jdkvhsjrhfigujskgjs
ELEST: Saimecan! behave urself!
SAIMECAN: no sis, that indeed was the FBI code to hack into their nuclear bomb plant network main frame.
And then she fell off the roof...just as she was eating her icecream.
good bye.
ELEST: ...right..ok. so any way, as I was saying. I spent money :)
SAIMECAN: yes, and i was there tooo...LOTSSS OF MONEYYY!!!
ELEST: oi don't make me feel worse than I already do, it wasn't that lots.
What am I doing now? I am waiting for my time to run out and also for Asma to show up with some questionaire she filled out for me on behalf of her dad. Who is her dad, and what buisness do I have with him? NON OF YOUR FIRGGIN BUISNESS! A POX O' YOUR INQUISITIVENESS!
SAIMECAN: AN ICECREAM MAKER....LOTS OF ICEEECREAM!!! :P
ELEST: shut up kid! ok got a call from Asma. gotta dash now.

Tallyhoo!

Day: 2nd of Rajab
Time: 18:04 (an insignificantly small amount of minutes passing 6 in English, which allows me to round the time off to 6:00- 2 hours 25 minutes before iftar...yes, I'm fasting.)
Location: Uni (not officially back yet, but even being in the building feels good)

Just sent an email to Dr Tim Winter. a.k.a the Cambridge professor of Islamic and Middle Eastern Studies-convert Muslim-increadibly cool guy who looks like Ralph Fines! (And if that doesn't overwhelm you, you gotta say it all in one breath...see.)

I've tried to start this blog off on a good note, but it hasn't seemed to work...Feeling a bit depressed...don't know why.
And what else is new, right? Thats what you were gonna say right? Yeah I know what you were thinking, don't deny it.
I'll tell you what you wasn't thinking though. You wasn't thinking I'd say I was resigned to being this way just as I am resigned to being an Ice-Berg. Yeah, I'm embracing my misery too now. And if you think that's sad, I'll tell you whats more sad. Whats more sad is not knowing who you are any more. Whats more sad is not being able to trust anything you feel or think. Whats more sad is growing up and still having a crush on Peter Pan. Thats more sad. And you can add the fact that I'm 21, to turn it into a true tragey, Nobokov style. "Look at this tangle of thorns." ...Do you know what puts a fancy spin on hating the world though?
Hating yourself.


You're right Chiaki...
My whole life has been a mistake.

My hands are covered in blood.

...So much blood.

All the tears in the universe couldn't wash my hands clean now.

(Akuma no Ororon)