Right, well the question begging to be asked is thus: Why has the blog hype, suddenly fizzled out? I don't know.
Next question: why is Elest suddenly writing here again, after all she hasn't written here for almost a month now, and she didnt write anything memorable or comemorative on her last day of uni, or even on her essay deadlines. So why now? I will tell you. Because she finds herself at uni with a lot of time to kill. Gordy is having a meeting.
Personally I would say today is warm, however, its the wind you see, that makes it a bit chilly every now and then and blows the clouds about the sky, solely to spite me by casting a dark shadow over where ever I happen to be. Nah actually, I'm just taking the piss. Subhanallah!
Now, in addressing the issue at hand, which is life, as always, can Camus's take on the myth of Sysiphus be described quite simply as human resignation? I don't know, it's worth ponderring over a fag though. Meanwhile, I think I'm vaguely hungry...I also happen to hav a box of baklava here with me, but its not mine.
(Sombrely takes out a Terry's Chocolate orange from her bag. Scrutinises it. peals off sme of the foil. scrutinises it once agin. hesitantly takes a bite. chews. considers the taste. chews again.) ...OH MY GOD THESE TERRY'S CHOCLATE ORANGE EGGS ARE DELICIOUS! (takes another bite, with very less enthusiasm. chews. considers it. )...so why the hell am i not enjoying it then? What is wrong with you Elest?
Pish.

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on.
So tell me when you're gonna let me in.
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.

So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know.
this could be the end of everything.
So why don't we go... so why don't we go-o

-Keane-

...Heeh heeh heh heh!

Since we were on the subject of Lacan..

'Fantasies have to be unrealistic, because the moment, the second that you get what you seek, you don't, you can't want it any more. In order to continue to exist, desire must have it's objects perpetually absent. It's not the 'it' that you want it's the fantasy of 'it'. Desire supports crazy fantasies. This is what pascal means when he says that we are only truly happy when daydreaming about future happiness. That's why we say the hunt is sweeter than the kill, or be careful what you wish for, not because you'll get it but because you're doomed to not want it once you do. The lesson of Lacan is, living by your wants will never make you happy, what it means to be fully human is to strive to live by ideas and ideals, and not to measure your life in terms of your desires but those small moments of integrity, passion, rationality, even self sacrifice...because in the end, the only way that we can measure the significance of our own lives is by valuing the lives of others.'

-The Life of David Gale-

Go figure...maybe thats why there is that little fleeting measure of beauty in the pang of pain you feel, when your heart is breaking the most...It might be the comfort of knowing that your suffering, or the immediate sacrifice of your desires is worth it in the long run...or it might be God telling you that he's there.

I can sense another surreal day coming up.
Meanwhile:

The cynic is a person who has a desperate faith in those things, which others are able to grow out of. We hold on longer to the lies we were told in our childhood...hold on and put off, for as long as we can, the responsibility of taking seriously a world, which is cold, and brutal and empty and so utterly lonely. Until eventually, the cold, the brutality and loneliness kills the will to keep standing up every time we're knocked down...and crouching safely in our corners, enduring the blows, but taking comfort in maintaining at least the dignity of not having to keep falling on our faces...disillusionment comes home, and shows us the abyss.
When the emptiness is a huge reality that will not go away, when all our little vehicles of escapism fall short and there is no fix, no amount of pixie dust which will transport us to an eternal plain of never having existed here, and like this; all we are left with is the world we've already rejected.

I'm looking for the strength to believe again.

• 
• Ideally I would like to start off by saying something in regards to Monday 14th, however an encounter with a certain individual a few days ago reminded me that wallpapers have ears, thus I shall be as quiet, quiet, quiet as a little quiet church mouse hiding in the vestry from the pervy priest. However, those of you who already know will understand when I do this: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
• Ehem...so, since I can't say anything in regards to Monday, I could instead start off by saying that the last blog I wrote pissed me off immensely by disappearing before I could publish it.
• But I won't.
• How is this for randomness: the night before last I got a call from Tarik. Just innit.
• And this: The contents of my refiridgerator (and I know I've spelt it wrong, I did it on purpose u see) amounts to slice cheese, 3 cartons of Innocent fruit smoothie (Shut up, I had to stock up when they were half price) and a lemon :) This tells me I should probably go grocery shopping.
• Perhaps I should start thinking about going today...what say you stomach? Hmmm, it growls: You'd best get some basic sustenance soon before I start consuming my own walls you irresponsible dimwit. And I don't like your hair!
• Yes, stomach has touched on a good point...The 'need-to-make-drastic-changes-to-my-life' mood has hit the shores of that fickle thing that is Elest's temperaments again.
• Thus on Monday I got 2 more piercings. We are now 6 piercings and counting. Heh heh heh!...though really I have no reason to chuckle idiotly about at this point in time because THEY HURT!
• And I am giving some serious thought to dying my hair purple.
• And no, I did not do the Boy George thing (yet), so anyone who intends to get married this summer (of which there are so many of you, that I'm beginning to suspect it is all just a ploy to spite me) don't worry, I shant be ruining the happiest day of your life by showing up with rock star hair that so doesn't go with the sari I borrowed off someone.
• Instead I am plotting an even more elaborate plan.
• And since we're on the subject of marriage, I am giving further serious thought to adopting a baby...and a Chinese one, preferably. Alternatively, I may go to China and work in an orphanage. Time will tell.
• Misaki chan gave me some DVDs of a popular Japanese teen drama called PRIDE last night. Say what? Of course it's in Japanese, foo! Does it have subtitles? Yes actually, it has Chinese subtitles. Now as useful as Chinese subtitles are, I'm afraid that since my Chinese is worse than my Japanese, I doubt I will be getting any of the jokes.
• Misaki chan said it'll help improve my Japanese. You will grant that under the circumstances, the likelihood of this happening is rather grim...but who gives a toss, the main actor in it is DAMN CUTE (well...kinda), so I'm gonna watch it any way.
• Have you noticed how this blog is following a very cohesive train of thought sequence...hmmm, neat that.
• Any way, before I dash off to engage in the increadibly important task of composing my shopping list, I no longer have a stupid crush on Joshua. It was the dorky bandana that did it I tell you. It was not Mexico.
• ...D'oh! I was so close! Noooo!...It was the final post!
• Stinky Covent Garden Cheese shop, here we come :(

Don't mind Ed, he's just running away from great balls of fire.

Now leaving Ed to his thing. I've had my poll up for an entire week now, and really you'd think people would be more enthusiastic about playing about with a persons life...i mean image, we are living in the sad age of reality TV post Big Brother after all. But noooo, I only got 3 votes. 3! WHAT THA HELL AM I SUPPOSE' TO DO WITH 3 VOTES? Ha!? Not to mention, 3 votes out of which, the validity of one is questionable, since it came from Misba... leaving me with a grand total of 2! I speet on them! ...and yet I am forced to make a decision. Both Sarah and Saimecanii chose hairstyle number 3... and the only other person (whose vote doesn't count coz she's Misba) in oposition of 'popular demand' chose the Spike. What does that tell me? That tells me the following:

• That tells me that Hairstyle 1 was propably too out of my league any way, coz I don't thinkmy hair is long enough to cut it in an anciaent Egyptian slant.
• That Hairstyle i-donno-what-number from the Hello video clip was probably too Rock Starish for some.
• And also that hairstyle Boy George was the least popular among voters.

So what will Elest do at this most critical moment? Elest will (drum roll) go for hairstyle Boy George. (Mad screaming and booing and confusion and utter chaos amidst the audience. Rotten vegetables are hurrled. In the panic old pensioners are crushed under the bustling crowd which has gone mad. the HOOLA HOOPS man yells 'oi you, walnuts! Noooooooooo!' The only gay eskimo in the crowd starts singing and waving a big pancart that reads 'We want more crazy naked runners down Camden High street.' People start beating each other up for no reason at all. John Stikes does a funny dance.) SHUTUP! (the crown freezes) I might be tempted to change my mind if I get any other votes by the end of today. (utter silence. a cricket can be heard chirping. somebody stomps on it.)

Now, I shall get back to my reading...will keep checking back here every so often. Meanwhile, be good :) ...what's that? Someone has a question- Why am I discriminating against Misba's vote? Coz she's Misba, thats why, and watch your stupid political correctness, you'll offend her.

I lost my wallet on Thursday.
My wallet was found.
But the wallet theives will never be.

On Saturday, (and as I tell you this, bear in mind that it's been snowing lately) at work, a heard of crazy naked men went running past the shop as they joged down Camden High Street...in nothing but their underwear. No, I don't know what to make of that either...it made me laugh though, for lack of anything else to do.

Oh yeeeeeees, and before I go I have one last thing to say. Drum roll please:
Check out my little Saimecanii's photography at Diviant Art! here's a direct link to her spot: http://raquhel.deviantart.com/ I'm so proud of her. she's so tallented, Mashallah!

Tally ho.

DIE WALLET THEIVES!
I lost my wallet. Thank You.
Now Lets move on.

To all mankind they were addressed, those cries for help still ringing in our ears! But at this place, at this moment of time, all mankind is us, whether we like it or not. Let us make the most of it, before it is too late! Let us represent worthily, for once, the foul brood to which a cruel fate consigned us! What do you say? It is true that when with folded arms we weigh the pros and cons we are no less a credit to our species. The tiger bounds to the help of his congeners without the least reflection, or else he slinks away into the depths of the thicket. but that is not the question. What are we doing here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come.

-Samuel Beckett: Waiting for Godot-

Today's lesson children, is that if you sit arround waiting for your life to get some closure, not only are you gonna be disillusioned, but you're also gonna waste it away looking for things to pass the time. Basically, you either get busy living, or get busy dying...and that, is a quote from Shawshank Redemption, just so you can't sue me.
There. That concludes today's lesson.
You can run along now and forget about it.

And as a side note, we will not go to Starbucks again. Because Starbucks charges £1.75 for Hot Chocolate they are too stingy to put milk in. I've had it confirmed, by a branch manager no less, that 'StarBucks Hot Chocolate is made of powder chocolate and hot water madame, therefore it could not have made u sick.' ...Elest eyes him in the light of this unexpected revelation 'you mean to tell me there is no milk in your hot chocolate?' ...Manager, unmoved and unashamed 'No madame.' ...Elest, obstinately 'I don't care, this hot chocolate is OFF I tell you, I want my money back.'

Elest got her money back in the end. End of charming little anecdote.

Moral: If you don't want your money going to Commercial Imperialists cum Zionists, you will have to give up Star Bucks choclate cheesecake. And what is the liklihood of that happening? Pshaw! what do you take me for, someone with willpower? What's that? You wouldn't go so far? I'LL SHOW YOU WILLPOWER YOU STUPID FAT HOBBIT! mark me, from now on, no StarBucks...now the following question demands some acknowledgement, because I wrote it differently about 3 times during the past paragraph: how do you write StarBucks? With the space? without the space? 2 joined words? one word? 2 seperate words? Who gives a Shikt right? Yes. I agree whole heartedly.

Why do I waste my time doing nothing? I am waiting for the closure that is Godot, because I will never learn.

Ps. if you haven't noticed, the object of Elest's effections is currently Edward Elrick...sigh, beans will never be the same again :)
Pps. Now say 'Hagane no Renkinjitsushi' without falterring, or my little blond Alchemist up there will shock you with his mean lightning bolts.

AAAAAAAAAAAARGH! the thing I posted yesterday was a mistake, I was supposed to save it under draft not post it, but by mistake I must have clicked post instead of...well..OH FOR GOD'S SAKE, YOU GET THE IDEA RIGHT? rIGHT? good. This calls for a reposting of a condensed version of yesterdays accident, among other things:

Now...ehem.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! NOT THE CHEESE!
Ok, I take you up on your OFFER love :) How many posts do I have to do this for?
And if you already read the mess that was on here yesterday, you may skip items 1 and 2 from the itemised paragraphs below, arranged in said manner for the benefit of African Pygmies. Why? What are you dumb?

1. One cannot fully enjoy anime, when one is alone: For there is no joy in squealing by yourself when a great and utterly unexpected twist occurs in the plot. And neither is there any joy in singing to the cheesy openning music, which eventually grows on you without warning. For squeal and sing all you like, you will only ammount to an insane person, locked away in your empty flat, the nosey neighbours pressing their ears against their walls, trying to make some sense of your lunatic raving. A very Ganz-ing situation indeed, I'm afraid. Shikt! Saimecaniii, where are you? I'm alone in my sadness, and it's not very becoming :(
2. FULL METAL ALCHEMIST ROCKS! and with a name as stupid as FULL METAL ALCHEMIST you can bet your smart little panties, it's gonna be the best anime I've watched since FRUITS BASKET- which still reserves the number 1 spot on the stupid name list of the bestest animes!
3. The name FRUITS BASKET it actually does have a significance when you watch the show...something about a game Tohru used to play when she was a kid and how they called her a rice ball and...oh I sodd this, I'm bored of myself.

It is at times like this that I appreciate doing wacky courses like Experimental Theatre. No, I have not been daydreaming about sharing the same oxygen with Joshua in an Experimental Theatre seminar, you embicil! I have been reading Samuel Beckett.
Now a few questions for those of you who, by some cruel turn of fate, have been subjected to Jarry, Artaud or Genet...or better still, all three of them, over the course of your lifetimes:
Did you like UBU? Did UBU make you grin like an idiot at your little pea green book, while the other passangers on the bus gave you suspicious, sideways glances? Did UBU enrich your argot volcabulary, and give you the chance to rejoice in the brilliance of 'Shikt'? Or how about The Maids? Did The Maids provide you with new and exciting phrases to quote in your meaningless day to day existence? Are you still yelling 'Those Gloves' and 'The Kahva!', in sudden, quiverring fits of dementia?!
If you've answered 'YES!' to all the above, then my friend, Waiting for Godot will change your life :) It will enlighten you and show you the wisdom in the ways of the absolutely and utterly nonsensicle.

ESTRAGON: Then adieu.
POZZO: Adieu.
VLADIMIR: Adieu.
POZZO: Adieu.
[Silence. No one moves.]
VLADIMIR: Adieu.
POZZO: Adieu.
ESTRAGON: Adieu.
[Silence]
POZZO: And thank you.
VLADIMIR: Thank you.
POZZO: Not at all.
ESTAGON: Yes yes.
POZZO: No no.
VLADIMIR: Yes yes.
ETRAGON: No no.
[Silence]
POZZO: I don't seem to be able...[long hesitation]...to depart.
ESTRAGON: Such is life.

To conclude this blog: Elest is not all sound upstairs any more, and one wonders why she is always writing about Experimental Theatre...perhaps it makes her feel normal. Thank you.

I feel like pie crust.
No, actually, I think I feel like a hug :(

ESTRAGON: [Turning to look at the boots.] I'm leaving them there. [Pasue] Another will come, just as...as...as me, but with smaller feet, and they'll make him happy.

'Since one needs constant energy to walk but non so to be a freckled redhead, the former is an action and the latter a state.'
-spewd by Ziqiang Shi ...is quite simply random idiocy.

'Not those gloves! Those disgusting gloves! How many times have I told you to leave them in the kitchen?'
-overly dramatised by a man in women's clothes and a very thick indian accent ...is the epitome of wisdom. Kind of like 'AAARGH the kahva's gone cold!' ..you get the gist. Yes, I am still haunted by that performance.

Speaking of performances, last night's play was...hmmm how can I put this without sounding mean...Not Shakespeare..?? or Genet..since we've alredady brought him up.
You know what it actually was? It was a mirror held up to us. It was the image of our lives, of the way humanity is going down and ignoring all the divine signs. Mugensha's, 'The Feast of the Ants' was about ants, who don't realise they're ants. Us. We. Am I Making Sense? No. Ok I'll Stop Then. ...but I suppose it was good in that sense- was it Hamza Yusuf who said something about Poets and Fools always being the ones to hold a mirror up at society? Yes I think it was. So yeah, there was definately a mirror there (and not in the litteral sense) ...and when the little people crawled off stage, I definatley fealt empty, worthless and small. hmmm, do you reakon John Stikes will be happy if I print out this blogg and hand it in as my mid-term review? No, I don't think he will, because I have not talked enough about transvestite maids and thick Indian accents and Kahvas...instead I've dreamed of them, and wolken up yelling: Gloves!

Do I have anything else to say? Yes as a matter of fact I do:
An increadibly Haido-fied Jap is sitting in front of me. I can't see his face, but his hair rocks!
Back to Genet, who I think was gay. End of topic. Now lets move on. Dazzel the cat was, to Sara's surprise, certainly wearing a cravat. He was making a big hoo-haa out of looking pompus and pretentious. Speaking of which, Sarah brought up today, to Elest's agony, that there is a Byronic thing going on with Joshua's wardrobe...Elest of course failed to notice this yesterda, because when Joshua was clearly directing his words to Sarah and her, damnit!, she was too busy staring at her boots!
Yes. Yesterday Elest blanked Joshua. Who could have been talking to her. (wild cheering and applause. thump noises here and there as few of the faint hearted amongst the audience pass out.)

Argh! The Haido-fied Jap is not good looking...in which case he is not Haido-fied!...but his hair, most definately is. ...wow (Elest stares rudely) ...how does he keep it sticking up like that?...(Elest is now gawking like the village idiot)...thats sooo cool.

I Just failed my Japanese progress test. Thank you.
It's Sarah's 21st Birthday and so far being 21 has only seemed to give her griefe.
And I'm afraid, we are all still of the opinion that men suck.
Ayame: Oh come now, you can be a little less generalising.
Elest: Hey wha? Where did you come from?
Ayame: Greetings everyone! And how are you doing Elest? (he says, very suggestively.)
Yuki: (appering out of no where) I should have snapped u in two when I had the chance!
Elest: what tha- you too?!
Ayame: Children I understand that my sudden arrival has you dellerius with excitement, but calm yourselves please!
Kyo: I can't take much more of this, your killing me. (on his hands and knees, and with an exhausted, pained voice.) Do us all a favour will you, go away!
Ayame: That's just rude, and besides, there’s something I have to do. Yuki, while I'm here it's the perfect chance to deepen our bond as brothers.
Yuki: (sarchastically sweet) I have a better idea, why don’t I drown u in the lake?
Elest: What lake? There's no lake here, this is my Blog!!
Ayame: (to Yuki) Anything you want, as long as it gives us some quality time together.
Yuki: On second thought, go drown yourself!
Elest: Hello? Why am I being ignored here, this is MY BLOG!!
Hydo: (to Ayame) umm, I wouldn't if I were you. The last time we went for a swim, Ken peed in it.
Elest: AAAGH, IT'S HAIDO!..and..oh my God! Haido what are you wearing?!
Kyo: You idiot, what are you doing in a dress?! Don't you already have a big enough complex as it is over that girly face o' yours?
Elest: Haido, people are definitely gonna get the wrong idea if you dress that way.
President Takai: A valid point Elest Ali of 3rd year English. And while I can’t tolerate that peach hair of yours, Hatsuharu's white hair is more unacceptable by far!
Elest: Hatsuharu? (turns and finds Haru standing behind her) why am I not surprised? (raises her gaze to the heavens) Lord if you have any more adversity awaiting me, just hit me with it all now, I can't take them sneaking up on me one by one!
Kyo: (to Haru) About time! You're three days late you know that?
Haru: (increadibly dignified) Well I had left on Sunday with the intention of coming here, but I was swept away into the heart of a dark urban wilderness and it took me three days to find my way out.
President Takai: Ehem. I appreciate the way you’re trying to change the subject Kyo Sohma, but about their hair-
Yuki: President Takai, it's their natural colour.
President Takai: Oh Yuki, so nice to see you, but natural colour? I can see that their hair-lines are black!
Yuki: Yes, that's natural too.
President Takai: And I suppose wearing this dress is natural for you too, Hideto Takaria? Have you no pride as a man? You have best change your ways and your clothes, before this incident becomes the ruin of your life!
Haido: But this puffty outfit...sniffle, sniffle...looks good on me. (begins sobbing)
Elest: Please, don't yell at him any more.
President Takai: If I'm yelling, Elest Ali, it is to be sure he hears this advice, which should have been obvious to any one with common sense.
Haru: (who had been silent till now, snaps and turns into his dark alter ego) Shut up! Quit shouting like your king of the friggin' world, your making my ears bleed you bastard!
Everyone: oh no! (Haido freaked out by Haru's transformation, squeals like a girl)
Haru: Now I’ve got some common sense for you. If I wore a tie, it wouldn’t change who I am. If I had no piercings it wouldn't mean I'm nice. And if my hair was black it wouldn't stop me from kicking your ass! Who do you think you are any way? Ha?
Elest: Umm, Haru, don't hurt him please, children have access to this site.
Kyo: Yeah leave him alone, he's just an idiot.
Haru: You shut up, you stupid cat!
Kyo: Don't call me stupid, you dirty brat!
Haido: Anoooo...minnasan, we were arguing over me, remember?
Haru: That's right. Haido should wear the clothes that look best on him.
President Takai: No! There's a dress code, it's not fair to the other students!
Haru: You stubborn idiot! What would u do if it was Yuki wearing a girls dress ha?
Yuki: Haru cut it out or I will cut you off!
Haru: (suddenley very sweet) Aaah, have my words...made you angry?
President Takai: (Who had been visualising Yuki in a dress) It's beautiful!
Yuki: Stop imagining me!
(Haido starts weeping waterfalls because he's no longer the centre of attention)
President Takai: You're a worthy oponant Hatsuharu Sohma...
...but Your hair is still unacceptable, and you'll never convince me that's your natural colour!
(Haru grabs president takai by the front of his shirt and marches off with him into the boy's toilets. Their departure, and the absence of their yelling, suddenly leaves behind a uncomfortable silence.)
Eelst: Ummm...my my, isn't the weather...well, bleak today? Ha ha...oh but, what ho, what ho what ho!
(the door of the boys toilets reopens and president Takai and an oddly smug Haru come back.)

President Takai: (cleaning his glasses) Impresssive evidence. There are still many strange things in this world unknown to me.
Everyone: He didn't?!
Kyo: I think he did!
Haido: What? What did he?

Ehem..
Today I'm posting twice.
Because.
This is a flash-back-cum-film-reel of the past 2 days up untill the craziest moment of my week.
Played backwards.

Yesterday evening: Elest committed a grave sin at Farhana's house, and wants to own up for it because she feels very bad. she told her friends something about a mutual friend of theirs which she shouldn't have done under merciless Soviet torture.
Moral: This goes to show how bad a person she has become.
Yesterday Afternoon: Elest didn't study for Japanese, and didn't do any rerading. Instead she cleaned the kitchen and bathroom and made chocky digestive rolls (from tea buiskets, but she didn't say 'chocky tea buisket rolls' because she doesn't know how to spell 'buisket')
Moral: Elest is very good at making plans but has a handicap at implimenting them. she should get a disabled badge and put it on her desk during the Japanese test next week.
Yesterday Morning: Elest didn't go into Uni for the principles of English language teaching class, so that she could revise for Japanese.
Moral: If you get home as late and exhausted as Elest tends to do every day of the week, you are very liable to sleep till 12:30 and wake up with a- 'AAARGH! IS THAT THE WORLD? IT'S HORRIBLE, MAKE IT GO AWAY!'
Thursday Night: Elest and fellow course-lings went to see Jean Gene's 'Maids' at the Lyric Theatre.
Moral: Weird.
Thursday Evening: Elest had Sushi and Ben and Jerry's Ice cream for dinner, and pranced arround central London in her biggest New Rocks.
Moral: Yum. Ouch.
Thursday afternoon: Elest spoke to Joshua for the first time.
Moral: She is an idiot foo' who still doesn't know what room number the 2:00 Experimental Theatre seminar is for future reffrence.

I'm very sorry Madame, but I'm afraid...the Kahva's gone cold!! AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Last night, Elest did not sleep. Non can know the terrible and wonderfull trappings of her warped mind, but few can veture a wild guess. There was one woman, however, who could match her madness, and by some ominous turn of fate, these two increadibly troubled people knew each other! In any case, the rest of the world slept soundly on the night of February 04 2005, and lucky for them too, that Elest and Misba had nothing more lethal at thier disposal, than a pair of mobile phones...And yet, what ensued through the late hours of the night and early hours of the day, made no human sense at all:

01:18 am
Misba: You know what would be funny? If our lecturers were in a fight club...picture this: Stokes punches Gordon in the eye, Gordon cheats and pulls out a stick whilst grinning and raising his eyebrow...and Ganz runs as fast as he can, feathers all over the place :)

01:28 am
Elest: ..Elest starts yelling: 'the Khava's gone cold!' But then she sees Joshua and squeaks, which gets Misba pissed off, and she promptly lands one across his jaw, sending him flying just as Markee walks in, at which point Carla, who was stalking him, jumps onto his back, clinging to his neck, and Bunny gets terrified and faints. more feathers fly.

01:39 am
Misba: And all along, Nokes is waiting patiently in the wind and rain muttering 'yeeeees'..coz he was too old and short, while Bob Mills tells him to get off his fucking porch..

01:45 am
Elest: Well, then Clare Brant starts whispering sweet nothings in Stokes's corner, to offer him moral support in the face of Gordon's stick, at which Abu makes a phalic refference, pissing off the already pissed off Sarah, who throws her boot at him, misses and hits the Peacock Smurf instead, and Gordon yells: 'I win! I win! I'm the greatest Jacob!'

01:57 am
Misba: Stokes whimpers in the corner, a broken man..Ganz re-enters and goes 'Oops, I thought this was my lecture room'..but Markee grabs him before he can leave, for he knows too much...Nokes continues to wait outside..and Gordon pokes Peacock in the eye with his stick, claiming it's an accident.

01:56 am
Elest: Lol, I'm laughing aloud to myself, maybe we should stop now..?

02:07 am
Misba: 'Never!!' Yells Gordon. 'Just coz I'm winning, you wanna quit Elest, you spoilt sport. What was that? Oh, I thought you made a noise.'..while he is momentarily distracted, Markee seizes the stick, Carla cheers, Sarah chucks her other boot at Bunny, Ganz flees and Bob Stares at the wall. Nokes continues to wait, and realises he looks a bit like a Hobbit...

02:17am
Elest: and at that very moment Golem jumps out from underneath Christian's messy hair, grabs Nokes and runs off, whisperring: 'My Precioussss' in his ear, and Misba declares him the best looking guy at uni, which upsets the Pretentious Lot terribly, but the person who takes the greatest offence is Ganz, who thinks he's a dashing young blade!

02:30 am
Misba: 'No champagne for you!' cries the distressed Ganz, his bottom lip trembling..at which point, Rivkah eneters and says 'I am Gandalf!' ..Gordon gets confused and offers the empty seat next to him to Elest..and Handbag Lady rushes in crying 'Theif! Theif! Nokes nicked my handbag!' Peacock gallanty begins the chase to save the day..

02:36 am-
Elest: AAAAAAAAARG! You win! I can't possibly beat your imagination, it's pot induced!...unless...hang on, I got it! the perfect ending: they all stand on the tables in 18B and sing: 'I'M THE ONLY GAY ESKIMOOOO IN MY TRIIIIBE' at the top of their lungs, and Bob Mills is moved to tears, and Peacock finally comes out. Fin :)

02:46 am
Misba: Well I just wrote an ending too...suddenly everyone vanishes. and Misba and Elest realise they have serious mental issues, as they skip along happily to the soft walls of their home in the country, where Sarah awaits them with a cuppa tea and a couple of Aero bars :) good night xx

-Approximately two hours later, one was still standing-

04:17 am
Eelst: would you say my stupid little fixation for Joshua is also one of my 'father figure' issues? Maybe I get these paternal vibes from the guy..? By the way I've adopted Gandalf as my great-grandfather, and yes, Im still awake, and getting weirder:)...hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm..Gay eskimooo-ooo..hmmm hmmm..oh, and it's Avril La-UBU! Shkit! Thank You.

Date: A Thursday which feels like something between a Friday and an annoying Thursday which feels like a Friday and a Saturday that feels crap.
Time: Twelvefourty.
Location: Uni, hot, stuffy Paws room on fourth floor.
Feeling: Like I've just been woken up and I'm looking for the insolent bugger, responsible!
Hearing: The communal humm of PC's- and it's kinda freaky; like they're all talking to each other; like we are a handful of frail little humans, cluelessly sitting in a room that is so wired and buzzing and hot from the mighty, manipulative presence of these machienes which are just waiting to be set off like a ticking time bomb of artificial intellegence, and crush us in their vicious clasp!
Imagination: Kinda tippsy and drunk-like...like how you find yourself thinking of the most ridiculously mundane or irrelevant things in the aftermath of a devastating occurance, or while your liying on the bathroom floor watching smoke wafting above you...and the cherub babies in the stupid French soap advert, clinging to the pitiful excuse of Magy's bathroom decorative poster, are pissing you off!
Status: Early-morning-seminar late-ee.
Desires: Ben and Jerry's 'Core' Ice-cream Sundae (sigh!).
Fears: Dying like Samwise Gamjee.
Samwise Gamjee didn't die idiot: He will do. And he'll die in his little Hobbit home, with its round yellow door, surrounded by his little Hobbit children and his little Hobbit wife. Not like all the brave humans and elves who were killed in the last battles, under them giant scary elephants!
Aspirations: A sounder state of faith and sooul, by the time I break my fast this evening.
Purpose: I don't know, that's what's been botherring me all my life.
Immediate purpose: Pray, and attend the Two o'clock seminar for Experimental theatre.
Financial situation: Still skint. the 'Royal sum of £500' which was supposed to be transferred into my account 'Tomorrow' which was 3 days ago, seems to be taking royaly long to do so, or there is a royal problem.
Email situation: Got, not one but two emails from my Saimecaniii, with lots of pictures in it!
Hair: Pink...(examines nails, with vague irritation)...the label on the can of hair dye, distinctly said 'riot red', but it turned out pink...funny, that, isn't it? I suppose anything's better than blond though.
Interior of Refrigerator: Is furnished with a sufficient amount of food to get by on for a while, on a diet of boiled vegetables, tuna or chicken salami sandwiches, noodles, cereal, lamb-chops, and one grand night of curry! I say, we will eat like kings for the next few weeks, Elest, providing you're home early enough to not be too tired to cater for your basic sustenance with something other than a cheap, rip-off meal of sandwiches or miso-soup. Which reminds me, I wants to go Japan Centre for more of that...Which reminds me of the Jet Programme...damn, which reminds me of my confusion, and loss, and lack of purpose all over again :(

Augh, I give up...Experimental Theatre seminar, here I come...woohoo'!!'.

Ps. was supposed to paste some of the cool pic's Saimecan sent me, but there's been a problem, and I don't have enough time to fix it, but I promise to do so later. Watch this space :)

Two words: Immortal. Rain.
An exclamation:
AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHH!
A whole sentence: I have never cried over a manga like I did last night, since Ororon died.
A declaration: I Love Rain.
A loss for words: ...
A cue for someones snot-rag: (sniffle..sniffle)

[rudely interfeering unknown narrator]- Hello, I am a rudely interfeering unknown narrator, rudely interfeering in this blog, because Elest is too griefe stricken and overwhelemed to say anyting right now. If I rudely, and presumptuously try and venture a guess as to what is wrong with her, I would probably say that she appears to be crying, and I assume it has something to do with the Manga she was reading last night, while she should in fact, have been reading 'King Lear'. [rudely interfeering unknown narrator turns to the snivveling Elest] See, that's what happens when you don't do your work.
[Elest]- Piss off! You've ruined my dramatic moment...who the hell are you any way?!
[rudely interfeering unknown narrator]- To be quite honest with you I'm not sure, but I can't spell very well...rather curious that, wouldn't you agree?
[Elest]- Grrrrrrrr!
[rudely interfeeting unknown narrator]- one question though, before I do as you, so politely, asked me to.
[Elest] What!?
[rudely interfeering unknown narrator] If you're Elest and I'm the rudely interfeering unknown narrator, who's writing within the square brackets?

...(sniffle)..Rain!..(sniffle)

What ho! What ho! What ho!

Antonin Artaud was a sick little Frenchman- physically and mentally. but then there is no doubt about this any way, everyone knows that. the guy spent World War II in a mental asylum, for god's sake, while the likes of James Joyce were writing Ulessys (arguably also rather psychotic, which leads me to wonder if all of this had something to do with the times).
So the million-dollar-question is; Why 'am we' being subjected to the inner workings of his mind?! And how healthy is it to be forcing ourselves to draw some sense out of his heroin induced, Dali-painting thoughts, which in the end, just amount to a load of banality apparently?
Elest has a natural inclination towards insanity, she doesn't need stuff like this to push her off the edge. And, Most importantly, she doesn't want to be a foul-mouthed cheese eating knight (I never swear!), she wants to be a Unicorn...and she will tell John Stokes thus :)

Now visualise a half empty seminar class of bleary eyed studnets, monotonously reading out utterly uninteligible lines, with a measure of shock and embarrasment in their voices, as Elest skipps about the room neighing and doing unicorn stuff- experimental theatre style. Stokes will be so proud, Elest will get a first, and Artaud will make sumersaults and cartwheels of sheer joy in his grave, because he has succeeded.

We are all mad, and we expect to be taken seriously.

She loved me for the dangers I had passed,
And I loved her that she did pitty them.
-Othello-

Last night I was, on the verge of tears, and Jack's utter appreciation of Othello. Right now, Post-Jacobean Shakespeare seminar, I can earnestly say I am Jack's further utter appreciation of Othello. Here, 3rd and final year, 2nd and final term, is where I pause to remind myself that I am actually enjoying my degree, and that I will be at a great loss when it all ends. Yet before I start moaning about not knowing what to do with my life again, in fear of this blog being yet another bout of Elestian misery, I will change the subject: and tell you about the presentation I had to do on Othello in todays seminar; it went thus...

Gordon: Elest, were you going to say something?
Elest: Uh uh
Gordon: You sure? I thought I heard what sounded like the beginning of a word there?
Elest: (shakes her head)
Gordon: Oh, alright then.

Me thinks I will miss Gordon.
...yawn..its 8:38. Elest finished at 3:00 today, but she doesn't wants to go home to cold, empty flat; yesterday's food; the silence that mocks at the sounds coming out of her lap-top speakers, of an ignored film playing in a futile attempt to make noise; and the loneliness of Japanese homewrok. So instead Elest sits in front of a PC at uni and seeks solace in a bar of dairy milk chocolate, reminding herself all the time, that she must cut back on the junk food.
I am Jack's wasted life and wasted dreams.

-Meanwhile I am also: skint; hating men, including my father; seriously challenged in the articulation department; not getting any work/reading done out of sheer lack of a motivation to live; looking for distractons and fixes of temporary happiness; and generally rather pissed off at myself. Thank you.
Now isn't there any new Manga coming out this month? hmmm, must check and compile the poor and obsessive manga/anime fan's wish list, of 'things-I-will-buy-with-money-that-does-not-belong-to-me'.

Huden abla, is you gonna come back for you Phd? I'm so alone :(

Ps. In today's soliloquy, Sarah said answer me this: Are we the things that go bump in the night? (or do we just bump back?)
And Elest answered: I'm just bumping back at the racket life won't stop making at me, so sucks to old, and easily irritable neighbours.

Hello. Had first lesson of the second term today! yeeees. and I had to be at uni at 10:00 on a monday morning, for it too...which didn't work out of course, walked into a dark class 15 minutes late and stubled over peoples feet with the projector light shining into my eye, until i could find somewhere to sit. yes, there was a projector. yes, there were many pictures of old landscape paintings by Constable and Turner and what have you. Over all impression?
I am Jack's complete and utter lack of interrest.
A few weeks down the line, it's quite likely that I will be Jack's infintile boredom...but we'll see.
Have I watched Fight Club recently? yes. why do u ask?
owww..I'm in pain and I'm tired and I'm hungry. I'm gonna go now.

Hello...yes, there is a new post here. Yes I have added Sarah Bunny to my list of affiliates, and yes I've actually had some timme on my hands to spend on this site...which could only mean one thing:
I am back! -after 2 weeks of essay writing, and I would like to declare, to all of you who love me (though I'd be damned if I know why) that I am alive and still remarkably sane in the 'what wit he has is as dry as the last biscute at the end of a journey' (don't 'what tha?' me, I'm attempting to quote from the bard here!) kinda way :) ...and speaking of the bard, towards the end of my cruel, solitary confinement, and among other things like smiling to myself and making up people in my mind to speak to, I started finding Shakespeare increadibly funny. picture this, from Troilus and Cressida- the Last Act, and Hector, the merciful hero, is out on the battlefeild looking for his next worthy oponant to fight with, and he finds Thersites, a cynical slave, who hasn't done much but rail, throughout the entire play.

HECTOR: What art thou, greek? Art thou for Hector's match?
Art thou of blood and honour?
THERSITES: No, no, I am a rascal, a scurvy railing knave, a very filthy rogue.
HECTOR: I do believe thee- live.

HA HA HA HAAAA!...HAA HAAA..HA HA HA HAAaaaa..ok FINE I shut up, just quit staring at me like that..jeez.
So any way, whats been up since I was away hmm? Nothing new, whats been up with Elest?..oh I thought you'd never ask, I'll tell you. During these past 2 weeks elest has:

• been initiated into the unfortunate group of individuals who are so direly beyond help and hope in their obsession for O.C., by no other than Tas- thanx man, I owe u one!
• Watched James Bond and watched James Bond and watched James Bond- until; she memorised all the dialogue.
• Ordered some manga which turned out to be so imensely shi- crap, words fall short of expressing it.
• Started finding Goldfinger disturbingly charismatic- "No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!" -in spite of his complete un-attractiveness!
• recieved a letter from the embassy of Japan calling her for an interview on the 21st AAAAAARGH!
• Eaten 2 tubs of Ben and Jerry's Ice cream.
• ..and (brace youselves for her greatest achievement yet...drum roll) Screwed up her hair in an attempt to bleach it white. (Ta da!)

...Yes, the blasted thing has gone and turned blond- and not just bimbo blond, but a blond which would need a very good lawyer in a court of law, if it was ever accused of being vaguely orange. In fact it's the colour of Hyde's bad bleach job in the 'Forbidden Lover' video clip (For those of you who've been fortunate enough never to have been subjected to it, I'll try to find a pic and post it here, so u can see.)- which leads me to think that this is some form of divine retribution, coz of all those time I took the piss outa Hyde. In fact, you know the last time my hair got screwed up was also his fault to! Damn everything that goes wrong with my hair is HIS FAULT!

In any case, and seeing as we are on the subject of Hyde, I'd like to draw your attention to a product of my time wasted on this Blog: the Click Me section, has now been transformed into the Adventures of Hyde section- since my last idea didnt seem all too popuular. As of today, I will post different pictures of little Haido getting up to all manner of interresting things. My aim is to make u smile! :) ..so let me know if it aint working. and if anyone finds any funny pictures which are begging to be complimented with a caption (and they don't have to be Hyde, I intend to broaden my horizons eventually) please feel free to pass it on so I can post it here :) thanx :)

ok. me thinks me should get a move on now, coz I'm going over to my Grandma's and if I turn up late, grandpa will not be a happy Cypriot bunny. So until next time my friends. Take care of yourselves and your hobbitses.

Date: got 2 days left :(
Time: one fifteen in the morning.
Location: Bedroom.
Sounds: heavy breathing of sisters who are fast asleep in their beds behind me, and the tap tap of my keys echoing throughout the entire house...there goes the 's' and the 'g' and the 'o' and the 'm'...put 'em together and they would spell 'sgom', which would make no sense which doesn't matter any way coz it's besides the point and i've gone off on one... all u need to know is that i'm making too much noise.
Feelings: suspended in limbo.
Thoughts: What's the point of trying so hard at living if we're all gonna die any way?
Fears: Wha?...AAAH!..DAMN! I SCARED THE SH#* OUTA MYSELF! DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!
Desires: errr, non...oh wait!..Drown my thoughts in something stupid...like manga. Why manga?

1. 'coz retail therapy in terms of clothes and shoes and pretty things don't work with me any more...
2. as for yumm yumms, i think i've gone off my central source of sustinance, namely ice cream...
3. smoking, on the other hand, is a disgusting habbit, and the blasted thing just don't seem to grow on me...
4. and last but not least; I used to be a vaguely intellectual and well read individual once upon a time, but my literature degree killed that...so now, not only do i not have the time to read for pleasure thanx to course work stress, but even emails more than a paragraph long piss me off. so next time u wana mail or text me, bear in mind that my attention span has diminished, and i can just about only do speech bubbles now. thank you.

...so, manga will be just fine thanx, and if you give me some anime to boot, i'll love u even more for it.
God al-mighty...will someone please give me some direction... I've lost my bearings, and my hope and resolve and faith and enthusiasim. Is this all? They lied to us when we were kids didn't they? They made us believe there was something more to this.
And do u know whats worse than disillusionment? ..Seeing a poor blind old man, sitting outside a mosque, selling little scraps of homemade knitware in the freezig cold, to cling to, with the last of his strength, what i have come to despise so much. it makes u think; I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING KNIT, I'M SO FUCKING USELESS, AND I GOT THE FUCKING NERVE TO FUCKING COMPLAIN!

ELEST, YOU'RE A USELSESS, MISERABLE LITTLE SHIT, JUST DIE AND DO EVERYONE A FAVOUR!

All around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces.
Bright and early for their daily races, going nowhere, going nowhere.
Their tears are filling up their glasses, no expression, no expression.
Hide my head I wan'to drown my sorrow, no tomorrow, no tomorrow.

And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take,
When people run in circles, it's a very, very...mad world.

-Gary Jules-

boo

Aaah, having access to broadband internet 24/7 in the comfort of ones home is surely bliss :)
Hello world, this is Elest blogging live from Ankaray. Local time here is 20:20, and the weather is FREE-EEE-EEE-ZEEENG.
Untill last night I was basking in the joy of being stranded in a big house out in the suburbs of no specific country at all, with my sisters, and we were having so much fun...but thenthe reletives came over to say 'Hi Elest!', and the penny dropped. I am in Turkey.
How do I know I am in Turkey? Let me count the ways:

1. Great aunt gave me an earfull about washing the dishes and putting them face down on the counters where 'the cats get up on, don't u know?' I told her they don't get up on the counters, Dibish has too much dignity to stoop so low, and she said oh yes they do, they do it in the night when everyones sleeping. Dibish of course, who was within earshot of our little arguement, was terribly vexed at the prospect of beeing accused of such a heanous crime.
2. After dinner Grandma told me if I don't stop wearing Hijab I will never get a job. To which I replied curtly; who says I wanna work for stupid Turks any way, me gonna go Japy land, at which point I was subjected to a list of reasons why I should not go Japan, reason number one being the earthquakes.
3. Our stupid neighbours have put up Christams trees on their front porches.
4. ...sodd this, it's bringing me down...I wanna talk of the good things that have happened...

...why? because I am vaguely happy, being here with my sisters. Oh and I met the new addition to our family, the squeeky Siamese whose name is supposed to be Mocha but she don't know it yet...so I have been trying to educate her :) ...and what else happened thats nice..ummm...I've been eating well...aaand haven't been doing any work- which isn't nice actually...errr, oh yeah, I've been subjected to Turkish music, and there is this one song which rocks. it's called Yikiliyo, by Ayca, so download it, and if you can't I'll try to email it to who ever is interrested, AND U WILL BE INTERRESTED COZ IT ROCKS, AND I'M VERY PARTICULAR WHEN IT COPMES TO APPRECIATING TURKISH MUSIC SO TRUST ME!

OK I must go now coz Saimecan wants to use the net. I will blogg again later. Sayonara.

If I don't quit going to Forbidden Plannet so often, not only will I run out of funds, but the people who work there will start turning into family. I think the till guy with the red highlights is concerned about me.

I'm sitting here trying to collect my thoughts, though I shouldn't be, I should be in a lecture...and then a seminar. Instead, I surf the net for some info on James Bond Goldfinger...you know apparently there is this urban legend about the film, claiming that the actress who played Jill Masterton died after beig painted in gold to shoot that death scene, coz back then people actually believed that if your skin couldn't breathe you'd die. HA HA HA HA! ...and with that random bit of info asside, why doesn't Elest tell us why she is sitting here reading fan trivia on a stupid Bond film, when she should be in her Lectures/seminars?
Like I said, I'm trying to collect my thoughts...I need to decide what to do, after having woken up this morning and realised to my utter dissapointment that I'm not dead, the world hasn't ended, and I haven't mercifully lost my sanity. What I have lost ofcourse, and what I have to deal with, is a lot more precious. So precious the thought of a room with soft walls is increadibly comforting.
It's scary how animal, how beast, how utterly inhuman the wail of devastation sounds. It's scary when u realise there is no saftey net, no help, no invisible spider web string attached to save you from falling. and it's even more horendous when, bleary eyed, you have to get up again and face the world with all the great new discoveries you've made of yourself.
I've lost two battles in one night. And I still am.

I don't want to be alone any more.

Time: 20:00.
Location: Uncle's house.
Sounds: A lot of Cypriots talking loudly about...hang on...(listens)...their disputing the ownership of an object unknown to me because I am in another room...yes, Cypriots naturally speak very loud, even when they are not arguing or drunk.
Feeling: Vague discomfort after a very unnerving meal.
Why? Can someone tell me why (??) is it that my non-Muslim friends who don't know jack about Islam, readily respect the fact that I do not consume some things, and yet my extended family have to start some hoo-haa over the fact that I won't eat the meat I am served because, not only did I already have some qualms about its halal-ness but finding out that it was cooked marrinating in red wine, simply tipped the domino. Which I might add, I find out after it's put in my plate, because although I was made to believe it was bought from Turks (hence qualifying as halal, duh!), after having inquired, apparently it didn't occur to them at all that the red wine would bother me.
So I've hid myself away in my uncles office, to flee, if only momentarily, fromg having to endure the discomfort of aloofly sitting with them, and representing, with every aspect of my out-of-place presence, everything they have rejected with every aspect of their living.
Yeah, I think I would have perferred spending Eid alone in my flat, as tragic as that senario would have been, I tink it beats this.
So what am I preoccupying myself with? That new Chinese film- 'House of Flying Daggers' (yeah I KNOW it's got a stupid name OKAY! Sheesh, It's Chinese for God's sake, give it a break) thats coming out this Christmas...OH MY GOD I JUST WATCHED THE TRAILER AND IT LOOKS SO GOOD! And why, I hear u ask am I especially excited about this Chinky film, Post-CrouchingTigerDissapointment, and even when I didn't give a crap when Hero came out?...One word (nah actually, make that two): Takeshi Kaneshiro! (wild cheering) Yes, my Saimecanii, I can see u grinning with glee and squeeling with excitment even from London, and the rest of the world heard u.
And now I shall change the subject...I can hear my cousin asking his sis where I am...must keep quiet...man that kid's voice is breaking big time, soon I gotta start covering my hair in front of him..HAA! IMAGINE THE HOO-HAA THEN! HA HA HA HAA HAAaaa... how pathetic. huh? whats that I hear...kids are watching Chicago..hang on, I've never actually seen that film, but how suitable is it for children? ah, screw that, last time I had to endure watching Friends with them, and Rachel was giving birth and everything, of course, knowing my luck Koray (male cousin, breaking voice) asks me:'Sevim Abla, what does dilate mean?' FOR GOD'S SAKE, EVEN I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT BLOODY MEANT UNTILL I WAS SUBJECTED TO THAT BLASTED EPISODE, AND I HAVE THIS KID ASK ME!
Ok, I'm going now...feeling queasy...me no likey all this birth talk (goes paler, if thats possible).
Me gonna see that trailer again now :)
Bye Bye.

Good afternoon.
I am excited. Why? coz There is this realy cool anime coming out soon, just watched the trailer! but the crap thing is, it's only just hitting cinemas in Japan...which means it'll be a while coming to dis dumb beee-hind conuntry. See what I occupy myself with when George Bush is getting elected in the U.S again and the world is going to the dogs.
Shakila has gone to Thailand, which gives me a bigger reason to hate her.... I am writing in Yellow today, coz I likes it...
...And what else is new? Nothing really.
Oh, heres somthing rather interresting, Saturday night I was with grandparents in front of the TV watching...(drum roll please) A Turkish Soap! and guess what happened. I observed, to my utter amazement, that one of the guys in it, was cute. and I mean really cute. like, cute like Turks aren't supposed to be that cute, cute. And it has been botherring me ever since. Why was this guy cute? Was he cute coz my high and mighty pickiness in men is slowly dwindling and diminishing. Can't be. So what? WHYYYYY? WHYYYY WAS HE CUTE DAMNIT!? WHYYY!?
Any way, the name of the soap- and I'm only drawing attention to this coz I like translating Turkish things into English when I know they is gonna sound stupid- was 'Kinali Kar' which means...(drum roll again pleez) 'Snow with Henna on it!' -Tehe he he he heee! oh I crack myself up..(whipes tear from eye) Any way, where were we? Yes thats right, another observation about Turkey, and this one is curtesy of Jarrad, who was down there a week ago:
A while back, a Turkish food company by the name of Ulker, decided to launch a new soft drink by the name of Cola Turka. And when u do something as crazy as that, in a country which is so fascistly nationalistic it aint even funny any more, u know the great mass market giant, is gonna go down. Ladies and Gentleman, Cola Turka beat Cocacola in the Turkish mass market. Thankyou.

How many more seminars can I tollerate with Abu talking about homo-erotisim and the male organ? hmmm, lets make a bet and see. I bet anyone who's up for it a white-grapefruit that the next time Abu says the 'P' word, the scenario in Gordon's seminar will look like this:

Elest sits up in the seat she was languidly reclining in, only moments ago, locates the nearest copy of THE COMPLETE NORTON SHAKESPEARE, and to the horror of Mr. German-cum-South African-LookHowISitWithMyLegsSo-WIDE-Apart, and the utter glee of every girl in the class, hurrls the gigantic volume across the room at the offending party in question. Consequently ruffling Mr. Germans ordinarily very preened gay feathers, who gayly prances across the room, picks up his Shakespeare with exagerated irritation and prances back to seat next to a scrutinising Carla. At which point Misba suppresses an amused smile to herself, and writes notes to her friend who doesn't want to be convinced that Mr. German- though we do not know WHAT he is- is most definately NOT STRAIGHT. Sarah giggles and stares at the lip-piercing across the room, the owner of which looks like a frightened bunny in car headlights. Gordon makes a joke and laughs at it himself. The seminar resumes as though no one was lying unconcious upon the floor.

Well hello hello hello...tee he he he. I'm high right now, only coz an hour ago i was at the complete other end of the psicho scale: very very low. And really, now that i think of it i have nothing to write, so i wont write much coz da stupid brit.lit and film lecture is starting in...he he, half an hour. ok dats no excuse, my excuse is Sarah who is sitting next to me getting bored coz unlike me she have a life and is not terribly thrilled by bloggs and what not. speaking of whom, I have infected Sarah with the Haido craze. MUWA HA HA HA HA! yes, she like him too now :) which don't mean nothing really, coz she like weirdos too, so we're back to square one.
Any way, so sorry I didn't updat last Friday as I should have. I'm doing so now, which also means new CLICK ME pic! yes this weeks CLICK ME pic is entitled 'what is Haido thinking' so please feel free to voice ur suggestions. Which also brings us to last weeks CLICK ME pic- me thinks the safest bet is to say that: Haido has paused in mid cartwheel, having been obstructed by the cupboard and is now trying to see how much ballet his trousers can take without splitting. AND THEY ARE NOT PVC, THEI'RE LEATHER!
Which reminds me. Last saturday Elest found out to her utter horror that a certain someone *cough* Joshua *cough* *cough* is seriously not worth having a stupid quarter-life-crisis-crush on.
Man. dis morning on the bus I saw this buddhist guy walking down the street in his robes like nothing and no one matterred to him, and i thought in my mind; God, you know better than me what it is I'm yearning for, and I'm so lost in not knowing anything. Guide me somewhere, please.

Right with the suicidal stuff asside -and I know I wrote that wrong, so BITE ME! - would like to draw attention to the fact that I have a new pic in my CLICK ME section entitled 'WHAT IS HAIDO DOING?' yes...you heard that right 'WHAT IS HAIDO DOING?'...need I repeat it again to be an annoying game show host person? 'WHAT IS HAIDO DOING?' he he he...ehem, well the purpose of this new pick -and yeeeeees, there is a purpose- is that it shall be the first in my launch of a new THANG on my blog! I is calling it a THANG coz i is not knowing what else to call it...well actually, perhaps we can call it 'A BIZZARE TOPIC OF DISCUSSION FOR THE COMMUNAL RANT BOARD' coz the communal rant board has been pitiful lately and we need some bizzare-ness...and how does it work? Why I thought u'd never ask, I'll tell u: Every week I post a new pic of Haido doing something unintelligible and everyone makes a suggestion as to what it could possibly be, in the communal rant board...then we all have a big arguement over what could be the closest guess ...and perhaps these beneficial discussions will eventually enable us to grasp the meaning and wisdom in the ways of the Haido, and we, my good friends, may one day see the light!
Ok there is this annoying middle-aged looking asian guy using the printer across me and he's stickin his thumb in his jeans pocket, and hes running his fingers through his hair and trying to catch my eye, but I am ignoring him and he is PISSING ME OFF so I will go now.
Sayonara.

• Maroon 5- she will beloved is playing ceaslessly in my head...and I haven't listened to it. havent listened to music since Ramadan started...of course, except those u can't help hearing like in shops and stuff.
• Eyes are sore, a general feeling of ickyness in the pitt of my stomach, and serious fatigue; I think all of this has to do with the fact that I slept on a sofa for an hour and a half, after 6 in the morning and woke up at 8 to make it to 10:00 seminar.
• So no, my appearance is not very pretty today: no makeup, yesterdays clothes, black circles under eyes...don't think i want to run into anyone cute in uni...actually, scrap that, i don't give a crap, if i did i wouldn't have come in like this in the first place. Screw cute guys.
• Spiritual state is pitiful, so much so that Tas resents and condems some of the stuff I am doing in Ramadan, which don't help, but I thank you tas for your honesty. I hate myself.
• and picking up on that vital point...I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF
• If u think thats scary, then u will be further thrilled to know that non of the above was coppied and pasted, i wrote them out individually...and i can go on, but i won't
• in fact, i should probably stop writing bloggs one of these days, coz the reality of it being read by other people just doesn't register sometimes, and at this rate I'm gonna end up scaring all my friends off with the amount of crap i'm spewing out from the depths of me.
• And i think...I think I need to start making myself believe that there is good in this world still...that there is good in people.
• But post-Richard the III leacture/seminar ponderring, in regards to villains, has conjured up this question: Is it not the villains resignation to being bad which drives him so far in commiting heinous crimes? And isn't it the surety of being iredemably bad which makes him resigned to being so? Isn't it the fact that he can find no good in himself which prevents him from believing that there might be good those that he hurts or commits injustices against so easily, because they have no value, no importance as far as he is concerned? ...Because as far as he's concerned all men are just foul?
• And so the question is: how do you begin to have faith in people when you have no faith in yourself?

If you are increadibly observant like me (Hah!) you probably would have noticed 3 things today. Firstly, that I've added my beautiful Faaria to my contacts list. Secondly, that it is cold and riany outside. and Thirdly, that my click click section now bears the link to Ororon's pic under a new title. Yes, Ororon is dead. He died at the end of the final volume of the Manga. First they pushed him to his limits although he was already weak and wounded, then a big stupid giant boy working for his brother Oscar crushed him. then when he was still standing they tore out his gutts. And still, in his last minute he used his final ounce of strength to conjur up a dragon from the depths of hell, and do away with his enemy..."Oscar we have made too many mistakes now!"
:( never under estimate the power a comic book can have on someone who is increadibly bored.

Ehem...So whats new? Nothing. Nothing's new. I've got some smoked salmon at home, and the thought of it makes me happy :) other than that errr...well Presently I am reading 'The Dragon Can't Dance' by Earl Lovelace and it is a seriously good book. So for those interrested in postcolonial black culture in the slums of trinidad, (and as boring as I've made that sound, you'd be surprised) I urge u to get your hands on a copy of this book. Beautifully written and so vivid, and vibrant and colourfull and culturally sturated, you can almost taste it. Yeah you know I'm hungry, and you knw I been reading this book for hours on end all night and all morning yesterday and today, so that I is not sound upstairs.
With that asside, and on the subject of tasting and hunger (not that I'm hungry really, just badly craving a Ben and Jerry's Milk Shake), so far Ramadan is...well lonely. its especially lonely when i wake up for Sahoor and there aint no one to laugh with at stupid not-funny-things. and no one to squeal with over the bathroom sink, pushing eachother to spit toothpaste foam into the basin. then no one to have water fights with, when somebody getts splattered with toothpaste, or gets wet and gets hungry (damn that word keeps rearing its ugly head) for vengence.
No. Sahoor is quite, and lonely.
And these past few days I've realised how much talking I no longer do.
I miss you guys. I miss you so much. for days after you left I kept feeling like the only 3 people in the world who accept me whole heartedly, in spite of all my flaws and short comings, in spite of the big mess that I am, who accepted me for who and what I am; a girl-boy-woman hybrid clinging to the pitiful excuse of a human being- those people have gone.
I've lost them, and I feel so lost now. For the first time i realise how big the world is and how small I am and how small and insignificant every single person is, and how alone we are, all of us, and I wonder about hope and dreams and expectation. who are we, in our endless wanting? What use is any of it?
Yet the strangest thing is, this sad kind of loneliness is starting to become comfortable, and I don't know if I want to be found.

What words do you choose first, when everything wants to come out at once?
What words do you say when there is so much and not much at all to be said?
I had wished that I could have said something. Anything. I'd wished I could have given you something from me. But, in a world which has desecrated passion with its obsession with sex. In a world which has killed love, with its mass-produced love-songs. Which has killed beauty with its vicious aestheticism and happiness with its hedonist greed. In a world which has destroyed all traces of human compassion within its humans. Which has given me suspicion, cynicism and scepticism, and with these sceptres of its tyranny, taught me to live in the name of its logical ideologies and civilised ethics. Its reasons and duties based on laws. Laws...and fear, they coerce me with, like an animal. So that I have no faith in the power of my own human will, and in the guidance of a faith which calls to my nature.
In a world, which has commercialised sentiment and feeling, which has left no word untainted in its travesty of a vocabulary, what words could I have used to express myself? How could I have said anything at all, without fearing I would sound hollow and untruthful.
Right now, I am afraid. I am alone. And I am gripped by the enormity of knowing I know absolutely nothing.
Sitting with you, during those last hours, holding your hand and watching as you walked away, I felt something which does not belong to me. In spite of all the certainty the reason and the logical convictions which feed a stone composure in the depths of me, I was possessed for those moments and it made me weak.
Now I am filled only with the knowledge of all my inadequacies and shortcomings. Now I am empty and at a loss for what to feel, think or do. To me -the me I have learned to hate yet endure with the wave of disillusionment which has long since hit these shores- you are nothing. But this power, this spark which maintains my existence, ached when you left. It ached to be torn away from its likeness within you...and I was frightened by the presence of something there, which I didn’t know existed. It is gone again now, to some place where I have no access to it at will, to the one whom it belongs to. But I am glad I said nothing. That I gave you nothing hollow, no commercialised expression of sentiment, from the fake, empty self I've become, to better integrate into this cold world. I am glad I was silent and stupid, and that you were silent, and that we didn't presume to define what was not, and can never be, ours.

FIRST WEEK OF UNI and...
the 'it's good to be back' feeling is slowly starting to wear off to be replaced by a 'crap, this is my 3rd year...calm down...calm down...breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out' feeling.

Elizabethan Shakespear: is comfortingly familiar and GORDON ROCKS!
Narrating the Nation: seems like something i will appreciate, though I can't say I've taken to the lecturer much...hmmm.
Brit. Lit. and Film: Sucks. the whole bloody 1 hour seminar went straight over my head, and the only detail which seems to have stayed with me is some stupid statement some girl (who is dangerously verging on the border between skinny and anorexic) made about the difference between British film and English film being Hugh Grant...what??? And as if that aint bad enough, it looks like all my lecture and seminar notes for this course are gonna be a jibberish jumble of inconclusive half-sentences, because Clare Brant keeps trailing into herself when she's talking. So basically something she's saying would look a bit like this... Followed by a smile, to herself. No, no full stop.

Other than that, so far its same ol same ol:
~Odd silences with people I am ACQUAINTED not FRIENDS with;
~Enthusiastic Harry is being annoying again;
~Man I don't know anyone in this seminar;
~Maybe if I keep my mouth shut and look bored they won't know I don't know jack;
~Enthusiastic Harry is looking increadibly smug about having made his stupid comment;
~Ah, everyone's laughing, maybe that was a joke. quick must put on vaguely amused smile;
~Everyone except me is organised and is reading all the texts;
~Will someone shut enthusiastic Harry up please;
~DAMN FIRE DRILL!;
~Doodle. Doodle. Doo...ooh look, Masba's drawn a funny picture on her pad;
~Crap Joshua!
~God, it was a mercy to have had forgotten how disgusting the guys on the other side of the screen in the prayer room sound....augh; ...and so forth :)

I might add that there has been an increse in 'crap Joshua' s lately coz The guy is absolutely everywhere in my face. Not only is he in 2 of my lectures already, but as if that aint enough I came out of stupid Brit. Lit. and film today, with a big scowl on my face, truding to the prayer room in the height of my misery, and who do I come face to face with on turning the corner in the second basement? Yes. Him. And I thought I was gonna jump out of my new rocks. Now you tell me how the hell I'm supposed to get over my stupid crush? HA? HA?!

Ehem. I Walked all the way to and back from Senet house lib. today, which I'm rather proud of, and I have Misba to thank for that. hmmm, speaking of which, where is Misba I wonder?
Ah! I got a tx from her. She says she's is in the Room of prayer :)

Hello, and welcome back to another episode of, Waste Your Time, I'm your host, El-e-freRA(H) like the Rah in RahXephon or the Ra as in the ancient Egyptian God, who was murdured in his old age by his power crazed grandaughter, Isis the Goddess of Magic, and fashioner of those nasty litle slithery things we call snakes today. What is the relevance of all this Mythology crap? There is non whatsoever-rer-rer. Am I high? Indeed I am, I'm high on Lychee drink.
In anycase, getting back to our programe, today I would like to declare that there is nothing more shit and pointless than TV. and thats all I have to say. any requests for further elaboration, my be forwarded on to me at my email address.
My second decleration of the day is thus:
Revenge of the fallen angel was promised to be taken out on man. His battle-grounds, moved to the souls of man kind.
Revenge of the fallen angel, however, is not as glamorous as they've been making out since the beggining of the world.
Satan is not as hopelessly romantic as us, it seems...instead, I think he's just increadibly efficient.
No outright revolts against hevean, Milton style. oh no. In fact, I imagine Satan had a good laugh when he read that piece of idealistic 'WHAT-DA HELL?', clinging to the pitiful excuse of an epic poem. and will someone tell me what the point of 'Paradise regained' was? didn't Milton know that sequals have been out of fashion since Haloween?
any way, gettng back to Satan... yes, Satan, who, mind you, is boring as hell, has been quite the man of leasure for some few hundred years. I say this, because I've made an observation about how he works. Like I said, he's terribly efficient, and the best was to destroy human potential, without breaking out in a sweat is simply, to put the human race to sleep.
Yep. The world is infested with Zombies. We are all sleeping so deeply, we might as well be dead. We are living like ants, in a little ant city, under ground. crawling through its tunnels day and night. burrowing deeper and deeper...living by the rules and laws of this brittle structure, because we are all afraid that if we don't, it'll all crumble and colapse over our heads.
And I ask you now? Would that be such a bad thing? Maybe when everything is sweapt away, we'll realise, with no dirt city over our heads; damn the world above ground is huge.
And as for my point...there must be a point after all of this right? well...err..I don't know if I can make it without sounding like an evangelist.. :( but u know what, screw that, Tim Winter says: 'what came first, Insufferable preaching, or its subject matter?'
And so, I say: Wake up neo!
I'm launching a 'beat the system' movement. It's called 'Operation-open-your-eyes.'
...who's with me?

Found a £10 note in Capitain Corellis Mandolin- except, its got Charles Dickens on it...musta put it there a loooong time ago.

Tasks of the day:

The former office idiot, soon to be 3rd year KCL student who shall point and snigger at all the freshies at uni, in aproximately 2 weeks time when term starts (whoopee!), has today:
1) begged her local area housing officer to not kick her out of her new flat for not paying a single instalment of rent since she moved in;
2) sent the tax office an "F you, aint paying your damn taxes!" reply in the form of a letter which states that I am in full time education;
3) and gone down to Japan center to put and add for private English tuition for dem little Nihonjins who are willing to pay an unqualified teacher-cum-student to teach them bad words, and increadibly intellegent insults (Wilde style) in English :)
And while I was doing that, guess what I stubled upon at HMV Picadilly Cricus..THE LAST VOLUME OF FRUITS BASKET! I didn't even know it would have reached shops!

A glorious day for the sad and peniless anime fan.

Day: The day before a blasted hena party I so don't want to go to, but I so should, coz it would be so rude if i didn't. (Yes. I dislike weddings and hena partys, and hen nights, and other such silly little excuses, stupid mortals invent in order to get together an rejoice over practically nothing at all...Bible style.)
Time: 13:43 (no snide remarks this time.)
Location: Uni. Strand building. Lower Basement 1.

In a while I have to go talk to DOT '.' -humanities department secretary- about dropping stupid Australian lit. which I didn't even ask for, but which some stupid course assigning dude put on my 3rd year course list, coz he thought it would be increadibly funny.

And then I have to trek across wterloo bridge, to the waterloo campus where I must collect a letter which I am to use as proof showing that I'm a student in full time education, and therefore, not liable to pay tax. It is times like this that I hate this country. You know, just coz its the 21st century don't mean we no longer have any use for a Robbin Hood. And it was precisely this thought, while I sat in the 91 bus this morning, funming at the tax bill sent to me, which lead me to start fantasizing about a 21st century Robbin Hood. So I've decided to develope a prototype.

right, and dat concludes it...
I am on pott.

DAY: Wednesday- the second day my dad decided to ditch me for some busness he had to attend to after flying half way across the world from Dubai with the intention to spend 'quality time with his kids' among other things.
TIME: 19:01 - and it was so difficult for me to type that coz the damn 9 key on this key board is broken...which means no brakets either!
LOCATION: Internet Cafe

So what did I do after dad ditched me? Pshaw! I went to Camden Town ofcourse, and spent money which doesn't belong to me! Right now I have Saimecan here with me and she is looking increadibly bored, so I will let her write something.
SAIMECAN:jdkvhsjrhfigujskgjs
ELEST: Saimecan! behave urself!
SAIMECAN: no sis, that indeed was the FBI code to hack into their nuclear bomb plant network main frame.
And then she fell off the roof...just as she was eating her icecream.
good bye.
ELEST: ...right..ok. so any way, as I was saying. I spent money :)
SAIMECAN: yes, and i was there tooo...LOTSSS OF MONEYYY!!!
ELEST: oi don't make me feel worse than I already do, it wasn't that lots.
What am I doing now? I am waiting for my time to run out and also for Asma to show up with some questionaire she filled out for me on behalf of her dad. Who is her dad, and what buisness do I have with him? NON OF YOUR FIRGGIN BUISNESS! A POX O' YOUR INQUISITIVENESS!
SAIMECAN: AN ICECREAM MAKER....LOTS OF ICEEECREAM!!! :P
ELEST: shut up kid! ok got a call from Asma. gotta dash now.

Tallyhoo!

Day: 2nd of Rajab
Time: 18:04 (an insignificantly small amount of minutes passing 6 in English, which allows me to round the time off to 6:00- 2 hours 25 minutes before iftar...yes, I'm fasting.)
Location: Uni (not officially back yet, but even being in the building feels good)

Just sent an email to Dr Tim Winter. a.k.a the Cambridge professor of Islamic and Middle Eastern Studies-convert Muslim-increadibly cool guy who looks like Ralph Fines! (And if that doesn't overwhelm you, you gotta say it all in one breath...see.)

I've tried to start this blog off on a good note, but it hasn't seemed to work...Feeling a bit depressed...don't know why.
And what else is new, right? Thats what you were gonna say right? Yeah I know what you were thinking, don't deny it.
I'll tell you what you wasn't thinking though. You wasn't thinking I'd say I was resigned to being this way just as I am resigned to being an Ice-Berg. Yeah, I'm embracing my misery too now. And if you think that's sad, I'll tell you whats more sad. Whats more sad is not knowing who you are any more. Whats more sad is not being able to trust anything you feel or think. Whats more sad is growing up and still having a crush on Peter Pan. Thats more sad. And you can add the fact that I'm 21, to turn it into a true tragey, Nobokov style. "Look at this tangle of thorns." ...Do you know what puts a fancy spin on hating the world though?
Hating yourself.


You're right Chiaki...
My whole life has been a mistake.

My hands are covered in blood.

...So much blood.

All the tears in the universe couldn't wash my hands clean now.

(Akuma no Ororon)

Yes, last night I dreamt of Dustin Hoffman. Why? It is a mystery. Yet the greater mystery is that I actually dreamt that it was Dustin Hoffman, while it was in fact the guy who played Lex Luther in the very first Superman...you remember him? Yeah, well I can't remember his name for the life of me, so you better, and if you don't it doesn't matter really coz who cares right? I mean, of all the people in the world, Dustin Hoffman..??

You can trust a psycopath to make a fancy come-back...thats right, I haven't written here for ages, but now I'm here. Why was I not here before? Well lets see:

Week 1: Painted new place WHITE.
Week 2: Fitted carpets and linoleum flooring.
Week 3: Packed up life, and moved in.

Any way, I'd initially intended for the place to look like a mini monastary, but it has obstinately refused to do so...and now its just kinda minimalistic-ish...I will try to keep it that way, which, at this point, looks like it may prove to be quite a battle, since my family is packing up their lives, and anything my mom decides not to take to Turkey with her, she tries to give to me.

Mom: Elest I want to give you this fruit bowl.
Elest: NO!
Mom: Why? Where will you put your fruits?
Elest: I don't want fruits. I don't want a fruit bowl. I wan't my house empty, like a monastary.
Mom: Ok, I'll give you the spot-lights then.
Elest: NO! NO SPOT-LIGHTS!
Mom: The Shelves?
Elest: NOOOOOOOO SHELVES! I DON'T WANT ANYTHING! I WANT EMPTINESS! EMPTINEEEEEEEEEESSS!
(and Elest loses her mind)
In spite of my refusals I think she may secretly be smuggling unwanted material to my abode, because I sense a clatter...yes, I sense it in the Kitchen. SHe must have hidden something in the cupboards. I will sniff them ouot and do away with them, nothing can escape me! MUWA HA HA HA! (leers like a maniac, shifty eyes gleeming.)

Any way, with all that aside, my current status is thus...
Man of moment: Ororon.
Last Film watched: Big Fish...dodgey film.
Last Manga read: Ororon volume 3.
Creativity: Minimal, read a few pages of Da Novel last night, and highleted the paragraphs I though needed further scrutiny.
Recent Purchases: Books from Waterstones! Oh how exciting!!
Ooh, New Books?: Yep- 'The Maters and Margarita', 'Everything is Illuminated', 'Rebecca' (for English Lit. and Film course), and 'Lolita' (No I'm not a perv, that one's for my Post War American Lit. course.)
Current reading: The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov.
Recent orders from Amazon: Fruits Basket Volume 3! Oh even more exciting! ..and a new Manga called Immortal Rain, lets see if its any good.
Financial status: Not promissing, but could be worse, so Alhamduallah.
Current feelings: I'm hungry...and I have an interresting pain in my lower tummy..hmm.

and now I must go back to helping my mom pack her life.
Tallyhoooo.