14-16.12.07

‘Thank you for your criticism’ –It says on a TukTuk.
The word TukTuk is from Thailand apparently because that’s where the little motor-carriers came here from, or are most common…I’m, not sure, exactly and who really cares any way?

This is just fine; Not understanding a word of what’s being said around her Getting lost in constant foreign chatter; Trying to eradicate herself…disappear among her company of locals who grow used to her silent presence and laugh at her random exclamations and attempts to mimic the lingo for their amusement (got to earn your keep after all). This is ideal.
Disappear.
Only it’s not entirely possible because Pixy sticks out like a sore thumb and every now and then someone disturbs her solitary state of mind with broken English: ‘He/She say you look very nice.’ Turning heads in Cambodia is an odd, odd thing. Surrounded by beautiful people Pixy’s own reflection has begun to look strange to her; bland, too severe. So it makes no logical sense. I guess to them I’m just an exotic novelty- she thinks.

She switches on the TV and prefers the Chinese channels to the few English ones on offer. Damn Yanks. On MTV Asia, Edison Chen is leading the conversation with the desperate looking host of Special VJ. Pixy doesn’t understand what they are saying so she substitutes her own English dub and finds she can keep herself thoroughly entertained like this in her lonely hotel room in Siem Reap.

‘Thank you for your criticism’ –what on earth did they actually want to say?
And then, just when Pixy masters the art of speaking in a way people here can understand better and learns to customize the food to her own palate; namely- drowning out the odd sweaty, sunbathed smell of fish and meat in Hoisin sauce, it’s time to sit in the outer isle seat next to a couple again, and conclude that the steward is quite fit.

Come away with a child’s wonder and Pixy has found peace.
Ookun-ah.

12. 12.07

Pixy had a single cheese burger today- somewhere in between an evil headache and the transit to Phnom Penh. What a glorious day to re-evaluate the value of principles and the luxury of them.

Note to self: must not take principles for granted.

She then filled out her immigration card at the departure lounge and thought: it is important to remember who you are. What you are doing here. Where you are going to and why. It is important to sit in a KL airport toilet and say to the red cubicle door; I am Pixy.
I try to be a good person, but often my shyness and inhibitions get in the way. I like most of the people I know, and those who I don’t, I try to. As for the people I love, I can count them on the fingers of my hand.

I am Pixy who survived a broken heart. Again. And who is trying to remember.
I am Pixy and I am only here when You are here. When You are not, Pixy is no more and in her place is an onslaught of confusion, a lack of identity, a loss of foundation, a frightened void.