Cookies are being delightfully cooperative today. Yay!
I wonder why I bother coming in so early in the morning if Matt barely has anything to give me till mid-day.
It's Malcolm's job to talk to the illustrators, and as i write this, he's going on about Basilisks, griffins, draggons, and tortoises looking a bit too Disney - "...we're moving off style a bit, could you fix that? and the march hare, has a little bit of froth coming out of his mouth, and his eye's twitching, so that's perfect. But are they playing football?"
What's a sooth and a gulo?
Jeeeezus.
Do I have something important to write here, instead of going on about this office, which obviously doesn't interrest anyone (not that the rest of this will)...?
Perhaps, but it probably won't make sense, so you can just stop reading now.
I've made two resolutions, (Yes, I know it's March tomorrow) a discovery, and have discoverred a fear. (so really, that's two discoverries)

A Discovery: I seem to be less depressed. I hope this isn't coz I'm so jaded most the time...or worse, I hope the high hasn't gotten to my head permenantly, and worse still, I hope this isn't the calm before the storm.
Resolution 1: Instead of moaning and saying I have to do something, I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut and do it already.
Resolution 2: I'm not making any more resolutions.

-I'm shutting my eyes and divig in (or out) blinded. I'm braving any accidents, because i've proably had them coming for a while now any way. But I know you don't want me to hurt anyone else, any more than I do, so mabe you'll help...?
I know I don't deserve to be asking this.
I've screwed things up pretty bad, and gotten too deep into it to realise.
But nothing I've done is bigger than your mercy, and you can turn this into good, because tht's what you are.
Please.
I need you so much.

ahem...
A Fear: I'm scared to death that this is hope.

We've got 40 days.
Why 40 days?
Don't ask stupid questions.

Ps. Thanks Faaria.

--We regret to inform you, that the blasted cookies have screwed us
over yet again. This post is a day late. Gomen.--

(Friday...in composition all day)
...sigh
Think Intern remembers the days she used to blog as 'Office Idiot' -while working at the Faith Regen office 2 summers ago. How things have changed.
Think Intern, spent all of this morning reading through 'Football Heroes' in search of offensive material that will need censoring in the 2nd edition because we have a market at (classier-than-thou (my hiney!)) Marks & Spencers apparently, and we have to cater for the more elite specimines of our society now. (in English, that's called selling out) So basically, I'm incharge of censoring. Which I wouldn't ordinarily have any qualms about, if the material really is offensive, but when Matt tells me 'screw' is one such example of the kind of thing we're scrapping, then I think: hang on, half the anecdotes in this will have to be taken out. Which got me thinking further, borderring on the deep and terrible again (as it happens):
I've become very, VERY desensitised. This is worrying.
Ok, I admit I've always been a bit shameless, and the brave perpetrator of social inpropriety when necessary in situations of
stifling properness...or maybe you'd call it being laid-back and cool. like 'my idea of a celebration is raising both eyebrows simultaneously' -cool...but still, by comparrison to the likes of Tas and Shakila, me is innocent. (ok, correction: me WAS innocent, and still IS somewhat
mentally innocent.) ...ah, sod this.
I'm drinking elderflower presse.
Ian, the other intern, who'd had an asthma attack this morning apparently, hence the reason why he hadn't turned up, has turned up.
and they've given him the job I started.
My new task: Quote clearing. (wrings hands) Rivvetting! (and there isn't a single element of sarchasm in that...no, don't cock ur eye-brow at me, I'm learning the tricks of the trade here!)
They're playing some ancient Madonna album over the sterio, and Like a Virgin is not only pissing me off but depressing me to boot.

Han sarhos, Hanci sarhos.
Yolda yabanci sarhos.
El cek tabib gonlumden,
Icimdeki sanci sarhos.

-Soner Arica

Saimecan: What's 'jaded'?

...all those times I didn't hesitate to use the word without knowing half of it. I lied Saimecanii...This is jaded.

For the last time, people, Matt is not cute! He looks like one of the Wechowski Brothers. When I said cool comic book nerd, I meant it, complete with Iron Maiden T-shirt.
On the other hand though, Mark is ;) ...Oh yeah, Shaikila would be feeling him!
Meanwhile, I've spent my entire day doing research on teetotal/clean-living footballers. I'll be damned if I know why anydone would give a toss, but it's something for a trivia list that's gonna go into the new edition of Football Heroes. So far I only have 3...and you'll merit that this task, for me, is just as stimulating as a life-support machine.
Sigh.

--We regret to inform you, that for reasons beyond our control, the below blog could not be published at the time of its composition. We apologize for any inconvenience, and re-publish it now--

(1:00-somethingish pm)
Think Publishing intern, repoting from our snazzy offices at Ladbroke Grove.
I am on my break.
So far...

• I've been introduced to the people here. One of the guys I'll be
  working under, Matt, is well nice! I quote: "Elest, do you need to
  pray?" -nice. :) And he seems to be one of those very intellegent,
  knows-everything-interresting-but-otherwise-useless, comic book nerds!
  He co-put together 'The Little Green Book of Big Green Ideas' (one of
  the stuff the publish here) among other things, and I suspect the Lord
  of the Rings collector's figures on the shelf behind me, belong to
  him. I shall introduce him to the inner geek in me!
• and I've spent most my morning carrying out the first task Matt gave
  me: namely, researching the dates of the all time greatest Low-Budget
  Horror and Sci-Fi Films. Amongst which, are such gems with titles
  like: 'Attack of the Giant Leeches', 'Creature with the atom brain',
  'Feind without a face', 'Attack of the 50 ft woman', 'Eegah!', and my
  personal favourate, 'the brain that wouldn't die!' Yes, I've been
  keeping myself thoroughly amused :)

...Ok, will get over myself now, and get back to researching these Horror films.
I leave you with: This place Rocks! Al!
Over and out.

Sound: Terra Firma, Delerium

It is He who has made the stars for you, so that you may follow your course by them, through the darkness of the land and the sea. Verily, We detail Our signs plainly, for a people who know.
(Al-Anaam:97)

Sound: Les Nuits -Nightmares on Wax

Today we said goodbye to our first group of students...and just as I was getting chummy with Cristian (Ha ha!) and Jean Charles (who's a real cool guy! (I think I wanna be like him. (when I asked him what the hell he was doing in this country, if he comes from such a beautiful part of France, he said he was only here to learn English, after which he'd be pissing off to spend a good few years of his youth travelling the world like you only live once. (and damnit -I saw it in his eyes! You know! The look of someone who doesn't give a shiKt coz 'yeah, I'm only living once'.(Tas, remember that guy we met on the train back home all those years ago? Did we see it then too? Is that what I can't foeget? (hope he has a great life.)))))) ...I think I'm gonna miss them alot :(

Meanwhile, before Shakila fell asleep, her and I concluded that the best combination second only to Ben and Jerrys Cookies & Cream and Vermonster for the ultimate milkshake, is Japanese men and makeup. That's sad and sordid. But it got us laughing.

I've been getting ill since Tuesday, and it's worse now.

-I tie it down to going to bed without enough clothes on.

...And you know I'm only writing about trivial things coz I have too much that is too big and scary to articulate.
...And you know I'm only making small talk, coz there is so much more that matters but I can't say any of it.

Dear blog,
In truth, I dare say, Little Minx hath quit being completely honest with thee.
And doth she care?
Pshaw!

-I tie it down to not being completely honest with too many people in my life. Including, and mostly, myself...of course.
In fact, the only person I'm being completely honest with at this time, is God.

How do I face you when I've got so much to be sorry for?
How do I get down to being sorry if I can't even regret it?

I dreamt of Joshua (a.k.a Bandana-boy. credit goes to Misba as usual.) last night.
This may have had something to do with bumping into Tim on the tube home yesterday. Speaking of which, seeing Tim made me worry about the future again: About the next step defining the course of my entire life...and how do I know I haven't already taken it, in between the waiting and the thinking of what to do?
And talking to my Bro this afternoon made me realise that the jobs we do shouldn't have to define us. But the society we live in is so tailored for that kind of outlook, and so we end up making it our reality. I've got my priorities mixed up.

Get this: Mary 24, is a designer. she shares a flat with her friend. She has just started her first job so she doesn't have much money. She loves cooking dinner for her friends and relaxing at home. She loves exercise and keeping fit but hates competitive sports. When she goes out, she goes clubbing and to rock concerts. She would like to be in a band.
This is from the Pre-intermediat English text book I have to teach out of. See anything wrong with it? No, right? EXACTLY!

Mary, a young designer, is what you would call a fairly successful individual, who has some interresting interrests, a good social life and time for her hobbies.
Otherwise known as; a good load of bloody nothing. She aint even a stain, nay, a flee-bitten speck on the face of this earth. She's one of those entities who's gonna live and die ('Oh Covent Garden cobble-stones, will you forget me also?' style) and no one will be remotely aware of her purposeless existence. If there was a Mary shaped space in the world, we wouldn't be at a great loss, or for want of much.
And yet, I could have found nothing wrong with it.
But I do.

I'm not gonna be a friggin' Mary!
And no society's gonna tailor my preception into seeing people through a Mary-measure.

I've gotta go away somewhere. Even if it's just for a bit.

At the end of the world
Or the last thing I see
You are
Never coming home
Never coming home
Could I? should I?
And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me
Never coming home
Never coming home

-My Chemical Romance: Ghost of You-

I'm going to climb out of my head
and remember how to remember you again
But I don't know how.

Thank you
for the sunlight that warmed my feet on my prayer-mat today.

Deficits within deficits within deficits,
and there's no way out of here.
Misery within mirth within misery within mirth
and I'm like a drunk man.

Sounds: The boiler.
Ntch, I meant listening to: Somewhere only we know, Keane.
Feeling: Like a hug.
Thinking: Of...well actually I'm trying to convince myself that if I didn't feel discontent with myself and the world arround me, that would mean I aught to. I mean, if you cant see things that need fixing all the time, then really there's gotta be something much bigger that needs fixing and you're not aware of it. You're unawareness perhaps...for instance. No? Am I making any sense? I was having this excellent conversation with my brother in-law, and it sounded great at the time.
... : ...
??? : ???
Ahem: I feel like a cigarette.
You don't say?! : :(
Reading: err...Islam and the Destiny of Man, by Charles Gai Eaton. And the new volume of Fruits Basket, but that doesn't count, coz...well it doesn't.
If you weren't sitting in front of your laptop now what would you be doing?: Ha?!
Just answer the question: Finishing off that volume of Fruits Basket, i think...why?
No reason. Quote of the moment?: ...
To darkness, to nothingness, to earnestness, to home.
-Samuel Beckett-
Ooooh, that was quick. Smart ass: He he...oh, the song's changed now, by the way, it's Krwlng, by Lin-
Shutup, I don't care. What are you most affraid of?: Of....Of the fact that I'm sitting here having a fucking conversation with myself!
(hides head in hands)
Augh! leave me alone!


I'm so tired
of looking for security
of looking for peace
of looking for home.

[...] For Danish journalists to demand "Europe-wide solidarity" in the cause of free speech and to deride those who are offended as "fundamentalists...who have a problem with the entire western world" comes close to racial provocation. We do not go about punching people in the face to test their commitment to non-violence. To be a European should not involve initiation by religious insult.

[...] What Muslims did not expect was that admission also required them to tolerate the ridicule of their faith and guilt by association with its wildest and most violent followers in the Middle East. Islam is an ancient and dignified religion. Like Christianity its teaching can be variously interpreted and used for bloodthirsty ends, but in itself Islam has purity and simplicity. Part of that purity lies in its abstraction and part of that abstraction is an aversion to icons. The Danes must have known that a depiction of Allah [swt] as human or the prophet Muhammad [sas] as a terrorist would outrage Muslims. It is plain dumb to claim such blasphemy as just a joke concordant with the western way of life.

-Simon Jenkins: These Cartoons Don't Defend Free Speech, They Threaten it. -

Ah look! At last there's something other than obscene exclamations, song lyrics and shaded remarks (about something that must be important (??)) here!!
I'm supposed to be finishing off this review for Stravinsky's L'histoire du soldat (...and that sounds alot better than it actually was) but instead I'm ... well I'm kinda multi-tasking I guess. Now, how to slag something off and sound professional in the process while writing a blog, chatting, trying not to think of...ahem, and harbouring the usual deep and terrible thoughts, among other things?

Other things?

I think I've lost my written voice.
I think it's because I can't give shape with words to this duality within me.