She wished there were another commandment, an eleventh etched into the tablets: Do not change.
(J. S. Foer)

Not being able to start writing tonight has taken us down the path of blog history, waaay back until the last two digits on the post dates began to read 05 to the sound of songs from the last summer of uni. There is no such thing as coincidence. Every occurance is a scene tailored to perfection, a result of the events set in motion, by the hand of the divine artist. If I can suck meaning out of the absurd, so can I from the signs which stare me in the face every moment of my life.

Dominos. They follow suit...one by one...until everything I seem to have built, piecing together scraps subconciously or out of delibarte desperation to survive, till now has collapsed. The dust rises, obscures the view for a moment in mid-air above the rubble, then settles...and you come face to face with how it all started...and even before, with those days

When the object of Ell Est Still an Undergrad's effections was Edward Ellric and Ororon;
When an encounter with Joshua Bradley was the most exciting thing of any day at uni;
When we used to sit outside Gordon's office coz he was great and we were just bored;
When we spoke in Shakespearian, and Beckettian and were always inspired;
When I submitted to the manic and the depression that came and went like the tides which rise and ebb for reasons I could never understand, and made something beautiful out of it;
When the world, reading back now, must have been so much more poetic, and innocent, and full of expectations and dreams and curiosities of so much still to learn, to feel to experience, to lose..
...And I wish that then, while there was still time, someone had laid a hand on my shoulder that last summer, made me stop a minute in my frenzy to dash off, to get carried away with excitment, and said: 'Go back to bouncing to anime theme songs with your little sis, and mulling over your Joshua Bradley crush, Elest. Keep chasing dreams that are always a thrilling one step ahead...keep your innocent head in its clouds.

'Because though you cannot even imagine now, the boy who sat next to you in Japanese class today will change your life. He will touch the bonds that you share with your friends, with your family, with God. He will test your faith...he will shake the foundations...he will change you. And you will never be the same again.'

Say what sense? What sense can you make of your sacrifices now?
With this maddenening despair I've learnt how to survive...and I hate it.

I am so sorry.