Literary Agent Intern-Pixi

Most would-be authors aren't aware that their meticulously prepared submissions end up in what agents and publishers refer to as 'the slush pile.' Another thing they don't know is that they share this pile with a lot of very deluded people whose submissions are no less embarrassing than some of the most cringe-worthy x-factor auditions.

Yet what would really add to the chagrin of such would-be authors is if they knew that the person who is usually charged with ploughing through the slush-pile is an initially enhusiastic intern who gradually grows so bored by the shKit submissions, that he/she is unable to give the good ones a fair chance.

I call this the point of disenchantment. A point at which your favourite submissions are those capable of instant boredom. Ooooh yeeeeah...One look at that coverring letter -with its stupid openning questions, naively self indulgent introduction, and excessive use of hyperbole -and that rejection slip is making it's way into the SAE.

For those agent seeking would-be authors preparing to submit, here are a few things that sure as he'll will not get bored intern to reach the second page of your sample chapters (these are real life examples)...

Real bad coverring letter opening:

Dear Sir,
How would you feel if you were having weird dreams? What if in these dreams there was a weird man? And this weird man was someone who you knew but couldn't remember!

Firstly, if you think you could hook me with such an idiotic rehtorical question, you're wrong. Secondly, if u aren't going to bother doing some research to find a suitable name to which to address your letter, don't follow up your formal address, 'Dear Sir' with such a personal and air-headed, Bill&Ted query like I was your bunning buddy and we were playing 10 hypothetical questions. Thirdly I have weird dreams all the time, so no, I'm not intrigued. And lastly, don't assume to think you can excite me with poor use of hyperbol. I'm not a 7 year-old!

Bad story tellers:

Now in other instances, bored Intern comes across a fairly ok coverring letter and takes a stab at reading the sample chapters. This is the bit where the sneaky buggers that can pull off enough respectability and sense to keep bored Intern interrested, fail catastrophically. Usually what they try is to make up for their lack of imagination and tallent with sensationalism.

The bored Intern's reaction to this is usually a failiure to get to the end of the third paragraph, because if you (and you know who you are) open a novel with some obscene sex-scene followed by a whiny bout of naval gazing which neither inspires nor succeeds to elicit sympathy, you can bet your bottom dollar I'm gonna stack that shKit straight onto the recycle pile. Moron.

The 'Everyone has a book in them' mentality:

These specimines, in the worst case scenario, don't even bother writing a novel. They simply send in a letter saying something like: '

Dear Sir/Madame, I have a Wife. My Wife has an antique handkerchief. This handkerchief gave me the idea for a historical book in which the handkerchief features in various situation including a wedding, a war, and a funeral. Would you be interrested in my idea? Please give advice.'

...That is in the worst case scenario. In the best case scenario, there is a novel, the writer of which often misses the point. Bored Intern's job is to try to get to the point as soon as possible, because said writer does not cut to the chase. The coverring letter for such a submission will detail the:

• author's personal history;
• the amount of cute kids he/she has;
• how much he/she enjoys being a parent;
• how much his/her children loved his/her stories until they found new interrests as they grew older, and what these otherwise irrelevant interrests are;
• how much he/she has been wanting to write;
• how this new year gave him/her the incentive to put pen to paper;
• how relevant the story is to him/her;
• how he/she got the idea for it;
• what his/her personal character is like, demonstrated by some long winded story about a random incident that happened to him/her and how differently he/she reacted;
• how this highlights what a great and unique person he/she is and how this will reflect in his/her work;
• how people would love to read said work, created by the great and unique mind of him/her;

Try taking the remaining contents of such a submission seriously and giving it a fair chance, after you've been drained by the above.

So basically, if you are a would-be author, this is the kind of competition which is pissing on the enthusiasim of the person who will be reading your submission. My advice: hone your coverring letter and your openning chapter to Impress Instantly, get to the point straight away and elicit an 'Ooooooh!'-full curiosity.

Literary Agent Intern-Pixi reporting off duty. Over and Out.